Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the
beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you
would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
_____

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someones lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[cobra de capell]

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ..
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved..
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[cobra de capell]

Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in
an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels
a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a blonde baby
boomer from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message
just flashed up on the screen, and mine is
out in the car."

[Ron61]

Making An Impression

The young couple was hosting their first dinner party when their four-year-old son started staring at his dad's boss.

The boss tried to ignore the boy, but finally had to ask, "What's wrong, son?
Why are you staring at me?"

The table went quiet.

"I just want to see you do it," said the little boy.

"Do what?" asked the boss.

The boy replied, "I want to see how you drink like a fish!"

[Ron61]

THE WELFARE CHECK

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his
monthly check.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare
month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort
her on her overseas holiday trips.


You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy
says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Ron

[cobra de capell]

Citing extensive United Nations research as well as personal observations, former Mets manager Willie Randolph has concluded that last year's historic late-season collapse of the New York Mets was caused by anthopogenic global warming.

"This is a settled issued," declared Randolph.

"The Intergovermental Panel on Climate Change has investigated every possible explanation for our cataclysmic stretch run choke. The only logical conclusion is that global warming caused severe imbalances in the microclimates in and around Shea Stadium."

Pressed for details Mr. Randolph explained that temperature readings in left field were .0002 of a degree (Celsius) higher than readings in right field.

[cobra de capell]

Who can say this sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”
____

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

[cobra de capell]

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Pellagrini?'

Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with?'

I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

I cannot say.'

Was it Teresa Pazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

Was it Nina Capelli?'

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

Was it Cathy Pintano?'

My lips are sealed.'

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for the next 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Vinnie slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

Four months vacation and five new leads.'
_____

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
_____

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
_____

Men are like......

.....place-mats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

[cobra de capell]

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here; Have you got the money or should I go out and play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!

Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Where did your scabs go? Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy. Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!

Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts. Shut up kid and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with Grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last week!

Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly? Shut up kid and comb your face.

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy!! What's a lesbian? Go ask your father, she'll know.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....

Mommy, Mommy, I hate tomato soup! shut up son, we only have it once a month!

Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me. Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.

[cobra de capell]

There's three guys on a bridge; an American, a Mexican and an Asian.

They decide to throw something they have too much of in their country, off the bridge.

First the Asian throws over a large bag of rice.

Then the Mexican throws over a large bag of beans.

Then the American throws over the Mexican.
_____

Corporate Stereotypes

The Long Hours Guy
The dude just can’t find time to go home. He has too much to do and too little time. He hardly ever takes vacation and bases his entire self-worth on the sheer number of hours he puts in at work. He likes to complain to others about the insane hours and how he has way too many projects right now. He definitely has an elevated sense of self-importance, and believes that his hard-working image sets him apart from others. What a crock. Get a life dude!

The Do-Nothing Guy
You know who I’m talking about here. There’s always some guy who gets a decent paycheck that pretty much does absolutely nothing. His job function is mysterious, and everyone tries to figure out how he gets away with it. He has inexplicably ingrained himself into the organization by having no responsibility or accountability, and yet is retained by the company while other more assiduous and competent employees are let go. Tell us how you do it, Do-Nothing Guy?

How Do I Use Outlook Guy
Almost every executive falls into this category. They have a computer, but have no inkling of how it actually works. Creating a distribution list is amazingly complicated and confusing for these individuals, a task that is often delegated to someone else in the department. They can’t use any of the basic or standard office software and usually ask for printed copies so they can read the information. You gotta be kidding me? Get your kids to show you how a computer works!

Mr. Dinosaur
A relative of Outlook Guy, but must fall into the “old” category of your company. Is extremely resistant to change and likes to talk about accomplishments from 30 years ago and “how they used to do things.” Pretty much steals everyone else’s ideas and pawns them off as his own. Never does any of the work and tries to delegate because of his seniority. The guy should retire but chooses not to. Dude, no one cares what you did 30 years ago, retire already so someone much more deserving can move up!

Know-It-All Newbie
This fresh college grad. comes into the company thinking about all the amazing things they’re going to do and accomplish at the company. They are extremely idealistic and naive. Many times, they don’t know when to just shutup and listen. Their conversation and life revolves around texting, episodes showing on MTV, their current boyfriend/girlfriend, and their new car. News flash: the system will break you down and no one cares about how drunk you got last weekend.

[cobra de capell]

[Sharroll Celby]

Mommy Mommy, I dont WANT to go to Hawaii......Shut up and keep rowing!

Mommy Mommy, I dont like my little brother....Shut up and eat your meat loaf!

[427 S/O]

I swiped this off another forum.

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any
f*#@ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we
haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your
f*#@ing beak to the bar you f*#@ing irritating bloody bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[dave from mesa]

Remember, tomorrow is 'Hug a retard' day, so don't freak out like you did last year, nobody is trying to hurt you...

[olddog]

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and told him she was feeling a little depressed.

The doctor asked "do you wake up grumpy in the mornings?"

She said "hell no! I let him sleep."

[cobra de capell]

Strange things......

Big Business: The US Government is the New Bank of America Government as the Big Lender

Massive new US bank formed: Gosbank USA

By PETER S. GOODMAN

For millions of Americans, the government has morphed from lender of last resort into effectively the only lender.

Today the GSEs Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac merged with the Federal Reserve Bank, the US Treasury Department, Goldman Sachs, Citigroup and JP Morgan Chase to form Gosbank USA

Capping a year of crisis in the credit markets and global financial system that led to the nationalization of banks in Europe and England, the US today consolidated and merged ownership of the nation’s largest banks under co-chairmen former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and former Treasury Secretary and ex-head of investment banking giant Goldman Sachs Henry Paulson. “We made lemons out of lemon-aid and turned a terrible crisis for the US economy and the American people into a golden opportunity to expand the power and reach of the State,” said Paulson in a speech made today from the new headquarters of Gosbank USA on Wall Street, the new administrative center for several recently created US government planning authorities, including Gosfin USA, the State Central Financial Regulatory Authority, and Gosrec USA, the State Central Housing Reconstruction Authority.

The new bank gets its name from the Soviet era Gosbank.

One of the first initiatives for the new bank is to restructure loans made to borrowers during the housing bubble to extend the payment periods from 30 to 100 years under a new federal government loan program called “Debt for Life.”

“We’re reading your email, you work for a company that manufactures weapons or other goods for the government or you will soon enough, and now we’re managing your investments and loaning you the money you need to eat and put a roof over your head. You work in our companies and you live in our houses. It just doesn’t get any better than this,” remarked Paulson.

[cobra de capell]

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:


1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.

3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[cobra de capell]

Democrat presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama today faulted the "weakness of the Bush administration" for Iran's recent long-range missile testing, and said when he sits in the Oval Office "Iran will know that we mean talk."

The Illinois senator said he would engage Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in face-to-face negotiations offering "carrots as well as sticks," meaning that he would "reward Iranian goodwill gestures with stirring laudatory speeches, and punish Iran's violations of U.N. resolutions with bold rhetorical rebukes."


“We know that President Ahmadinejad wants to see Israel wiped off the face of the map,” said Sen. Obama, “Of course, the first step in negotiating is to determine what the other party wants that you might be able to provide”

“Iran needs to know that our words mean something,” he said. “During the Obama administration, our words will mean that we are saying things by combining those words into sentences to express ideas about how we feel, using dramatic phrases and dynamic cadences. Iran must never question our resolve to deliver…speeches.”

While the Bush administration has tried to get allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program, Sen. Obama said he would bring change to American foreign policy by trying to get U.S. allies to unite in applying pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program.

“It’s a lot different than the Bush approach,” he said, “because in my strategy, there is no Bush.”

[Bugman]

The irony of the catagory selection was not missed..lol

[cobra de capell]