Jokes

[cobra de capell]

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A.He buys two cases of beer.

Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.The bonds mature.

Q..Why are blonde jokes so short? A.So men can remember them.

Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.

Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q.Why are married women heavier than single women? A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A.They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[cobra de capell]

From the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.

"batmobiling" putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

"betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

"blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought

"cobweb" a WWW site that never changes

"elvis year" the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year"

"generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

"going postal" totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

"high dome" egghead, scientist, PhD

"irritainment" annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial

"meatspace" the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

"percussive maintenance" the fine art of whacking a device to get it working

"prairie dogging" in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look

"salmon day" swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end

"siliwood" the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired"

"square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) computer

"treeware" manuals and documentation

"umfriend" sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend"

"world wide wait" WWW

"yuppie food coupons" twenty dollar bills from an ATM

[EarlsflyinCobra]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELYA TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truckis blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing
there with..... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...

[Hydramada]

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by EarlsflyinCobra

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELYA TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truckis blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing
there with..... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...

http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp

[cobra de capell]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Fe! male... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[cobra de capell]

Questions that have Confused humankind!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?



WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wed., Feb. 1, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:! 00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

[cobra de capell]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
_____

My Wife Left Me......

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.. I said,
"Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.
____

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
_____

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oileverywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide
to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard,alongwith drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids'
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during
steps 23 - 43 .
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[cobra de capell]

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, " Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"




Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious ! excitemnt.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you're a liberal democrat."
_____

[cobra de capell]

This may be a joke, but I'm thinking that it may work!

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!

[cobra de capell]

April 28, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week's three dollar-a-gallon gasoline forced us to get rid of Scooter's old gas-hog Ford Taurus for something more efficient. All our friends and many Hollywood celebrities are driving Toyota Priuses now, so that's what Scooter wanted. He's very ecologically sensitive and had been wanting some "earth-friendly" wheels for a long time. After selling some items for Pepe recently, he finally had enough cash for a down payment on a good used car.

While sampling Pepe's latest, we went online and carefully researched prices on used Priuses and the trade-in value of the Taurus. It looked as if Scooter should be able to buy a couple-year-old Prius for around $20,000 and get approximately $1,200 for his Ford. After college Scooter sold cars so he knew all the inside tricks. He instructed me to "keep quiet and watch the master." I was thinking the only thing Scooter's probably ever been master of is "bating," if you catch my drift. Anyway, after several more bong hits, we headed out to seek our automotive prey.

At our first stop, "Ben Dover's Here's Your Car" used cars, we didn't meet Ben, but were greeted by a fat guy named Tony who wore a shiny suit and lots of jewelry, including a massive diamond Rolex that appeared to be turning his wrist black. After Scooter told him what we were looking for, Tony said he had exactly what we needed, and walked us over to a hulking, green 1995 Chevy Suburban with big tires and no rear bumper. Before Scooter could say a word, Tony said, "Look, a Prius is worth about 20K and that's what you'd pay. Now follow me, Scoots. This cream puff is worth the same 20K but I'm giving it to you for 15. You see what just happened? You just got FIVE THOUSAND bucks for gasoline that you'd never have if you bought that little crapbox-deathtrap-Toyota. Now look Skeeter, here's the clincher: I'll give you THREE GRAND for your junky Taurus, which is easily two more than that scab-on-wheels is worth and BADA BING, there's TWO GRAND MORE for gas! Did you hear what I just said? Now you got over SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS gas money! WHOA! You better sit down now because I'm ready to ice this cake, Scrotum buddy. Because I LIKE you, I'm throwing in another THOUSAND DOLLAR discount OUT OF MY OWN POCKET! I can't believe I just offered you that! This could cost me my job because all of a sudden I'm not only giving away the most beautiful car on the lot, but also BUYING ALL YOUR FRIGGIN GAS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!" I looked at Scooter, he was mesmerized.

Riding home in the Suburban I tried to figure out exactly what had transpired. Somehow Scooter ended up buying the truck for $22,900 plus tax after they added the paint sealant, fabric protectant, undercoating, and rear bumper Tony sold him. They gave Scooter $800 for the Taurus, but only after he got into a big shouting match with Tony's boss who claimed it was only worth $400 since the windshield wipers had dry-rot and the left turn signal didn't work. Scooter seemed satisfied with the weekly payment but I wasn't so sure it was such a great deal.

We stopped for gas and it cost $96.23 to fill the tank. Scooter cried.

[cobra de capell]

CowDems

A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Democratic Party of Virginia," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about cows....... Now give me back my dog."

[cobra de capell]

English may be a grand language, but sometimes you need to draw on another language to find the absolute perfect word to describe a situation. This list of 10 words is proof positive.

They were assembled by former BBC quiz-show researcher Adam Jacot de Boinod and published in his new book, "The Meaning of Tingo," which draws on intriguing words and phrases culled from more than 154 languages. It took two years, 280 dictionaries and 140 Web sites, as well as consultations with various foreign embassies, to conduct the research. Why did he write the book? de Boinod told the BBC News, "I'm trying to celebrate the joy of foreign words."

Tingo: A Pascuense language word from Easter Island that means borrowing items from a pal's house, one by one, until there is nothing left.

Kummerspeck: a German word that literally means "grief bacon" but refers to the excess weight gained from emotion-related overeating.

Bakku-shan: Japanese for a woman who "seems pretty when seen from behind but not from the front." (In America we use "Two-bagger")

Ulykkesbilen: Danish for an "ill-fated car."

Putzfimmel: German word that means a mania for cleaning.

Nakkele: From Tulu, India, this describes a man who licks whatever the food has been served on.

Katahara itai: Japanese for laughing so hard that one side of your stomach hurts.

Drachenfutter: A German word that is "dragon fodder" when translated literally, but means the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives.

Plimpplampplettere: Dutch for skimming stones.

Backpfeifengesicht: German for a face that cries out for a fist in it. (Howard Dean, for example)
___

I'll add:

Widjadidja - A redneck word that asks if you brung yer truck widja.

Butterface: English for a woman who "looks good everywhere else but her face.

Sitzpinkler: German for a man who pees like a woman.

[Ron61]

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE...

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of
complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After
feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

[cobra de capell]

Do you think this guy could read this sign?

[cobra de capell]

CHURCH BULLETINS
They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
Typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the Recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a Conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "[censored]" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery Downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help They can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music Will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is "censored]?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from The Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would Lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the Back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this Tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please Use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[Ron61]

With age comes wisdom ...

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was
sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked
in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then,
kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen.

I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have
dreamed of."

The man l ooked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like
you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[4RE KLR]

I went to the store to get $5.00 worth of gas for the mower:
The lady farted and gave me a receipt.