Jokes

[Ron61]

Subject: Fw: Wise old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while,a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady, 'I'd better go back and seeif I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no!', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the Lambeau Field football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of Packer fans come and pee through a knothole in the fence, right into my
flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quietly, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'''

'Well, that only seems fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.'

[Aussie Mike]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

That pic is from the Hahn Beer comercial that shows down here in Australia. There's a series of them that are pretty funny.

Here are the adds:



another



and another one



My favourite




Cheers

[cobra de capell]

Subject: WAL-MART INTERVIEW


A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest hing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

Asked the second man.

‘Hmmm...let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of!

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.

‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me the at the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

[cobra de capell]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

A family from Dallas was visiting the nations capital when they were surprised by a sudden, heavy rainstorm. They ducked into the nearest store, which happened to be a sporting goods store. The young son looked at a Redskins windbreaker and went over to his sister and said, "Sis, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."
His sister smacks him hard on the side of his head and says, "Go talk to Mom."

So the boy goes over to his mother and says, "Mom, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."

His mother smacks him hard on one side of his head and then on the other side of his head and says, "Go talk to your father."

So he goes over to his father and says, "Dad, I've become a Redskins fan and I'd like to have that windbreaker for my birthday."

His father smacks him hard on both sides of his head and gives him a hard knock on the top and says, "Son, this family has been rooting for the Cowboys for 3 generations and there is no way any member of this family is going to wear a Redskins windbreaker. Storm's over so let's get out of here."

As they were walking away the father asked, "Son, did you learn anything in that store?" The boy answered, "Sure did, Pop. I've only been a Redskins fan for a few minutes and already I hate you Cowboy loving b@$tards."

COMPUTER PROBLEMS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn the sucker off and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Ron61]

CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife
says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Charlie
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?""I got a hundred dollar bill on my
privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you
thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disgust."Why on earth would a retired person get a
hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, I did it for 4 reasons.

One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you
can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want."

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[cobra de capell]

Smart Investing

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
_____

Top 11 Things That Will Change in the Post 2008 Economy

11) High-fee ATMs at 7-Eleven suddenly most solvent financial institution in America.
10) Ben Bernanke's new bathroom reading: Ron Paul position papers.
9) In updated version of Monopoly, bank no longer makes error in your favor, whichever player has the car must pay $200 gasoline surcharge when passing Go and all the houses -- now peach-pink in color and branded KB Homes -- are held in collective by a massive Chinese investment fund.
8) As foreclosure-ridden exurbs turn to slums, Starbucks diversifies into check-cashing business.
7) Sensing that color photos strike false chord during a Depression, National Geographic returns to publishing in black and white.
6) Malcolm Gladwell starts losing corporate speaking gigs to MC Hammer, whose life experience suddenly resonates with I-bankers.
5) Harvard remains filthy rich; alumni inexplicably continue to give it money.
4) Hipsters switch from PBR to Ethanol.
3) Cloning ban overturned to create army of Alan Greenspans.
2) Stigma once attached to cohabitation now directed at sharing sleeping bag in tent city.
1) Lender of last resort: Oprah.
_____

[cobra de capell]

[Ron61]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says,'I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds,'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston , says,'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable!

[Ron61]

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I d igress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.
I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few second s of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk..
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him u p and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead i f I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we cou ld hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor with stood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'
And how was your day?

[tcrist]

Mexican Earthquake:

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the
Richter scale hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans have died and over a
million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of
the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American
countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France ) is
sending food and money. The United States , not to be outdone, is sending
two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!

Terry

[cobra de capell]

What did Barack Obama ask when he learned that Russia invade Georgia? Is South Carolina next?

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama? One is a well dressed, attractive piece of eye-candy. The other kills her own food.

What does Obama say when you sneeze around him? I bless you.

What happens when Obama mentions his relationship with Saul Alinsky? He turns red.

Have you seen the new bumper sticker? It’s Obama bin Biden.

What’s the difference between Osama bin Laden and Obama bin Biden? With Obama bin Biden, you get two for the price of one.

Since Barack Obama likes to play basketball and Sarah Palin was point guard on a state champion basketball team in high school. Obama said he’d like to play Palin in a game of horse. Palin wants a game of one-on-one. “I think I can take him,” she said. “Everyone knows he won’t move to his right.”

What did Obama say when the Reverend Jeremiah Wright asked if he was listening during his sermons? “I’m all ears.”

Speaking of ears, what’s the difference between Barack Obama and Dumbo? Dumbo is smarter than he looks.

Why did Barack Obama cross the road? To help the other side.

Why did John McCain cross the road? He didn’t. He got to the middle and stopped.

Obama claims McCain cheated during the Saddleback Church forum. He knew McCain cheated because he gave straight answers. Politicians aren't supposed to do that.

Obama and McCain were talking in the Senate cloakroom one day. Obama told McCain, “I’ve got a great way to win the cabbie vote. I give them a big tip, which I charge to the taxpayers, and tell them to vote Obama.” McCain responded, “I think my approach is better. I don’t give them any tip and tell them to vote Obama.”

People worry that McCain, if elected, might not last four years due to his age. Others worry that America, if Obama’s elected, might not last four years due to his policies.

Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? He doesn’t want to be accused of being a racist.

Why won’t Obama drink Pepsi? He wrote in his book that he prefers Coke.

Why is Jimmy Carter campaigning hard for Obama? It’s Carter’s one shot to avoid going down in history as the worst president ever.

What does terrorist Bill Ayers think of his friend, Barack Obama? He thinks he’s the bomb.

Why is Obama so skinny? He has to stay light on his feet to walk on water.

What does Obama and Osama bin Laden have in common? They’re both friends with terrorists who bombed the Pentagon.

Where did Obama decry the influence of money on politics? Barbara Streisand’s $28,500 a plate dinner.

Did you notice how Sarah Palin kept referring to McCain as John S. McCain during her speech at the Republican convention? This bewildered conservatives who always thought his middle name was “effing.”

What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common? They both attract young people with mindless verses.

What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and pit bull? Pit bulls aren’t angry *all* the time.

[cobra de capell]

A classic:

“Handling A Wife”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’ t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put o n this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Advertisement: A tool used by business to get money out of people that don't have it, for something that they don't need.

Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.

Auditor: Person that arrives after battle to finish off the wounded.

Bank: A place that will lend you money only when you don't need it.

Bear Market: Eight months when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Broker: The person that you trust with thousands of your hard earned dollars. Hello!

Broker: What my broker has made me.

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

Budget: Written proof that you can't afford the things you want.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO: Chief Fraud Officer.

Day Trader: A more socially acceptable gambling addict.

Discounted Stock: A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.

EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings Before I Tricked The Dumb Auditor.

EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence.

FRS: Fantasy reporting standards.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Momentum Investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Profit: A man that prays to God.

Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Market Correction: The term your broker uses for a stock market crash.

Stock Split: When your former wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
______

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

EDUMACATION AT IT'S BEST
How would you pronounce this child's name: 'Le-a' ???

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

It's pronounced 'Ledasha.' Oh yes...you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said 'the dash don't be silent

[Ron61]

A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police
were looking for hardened criminals.
It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff
sentencing
...Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat
and suffered from a stiff neck
There's a new beverage on the market today. It is called Viagraccino -
one cup and you are up all night
A man and his wife went to the chemists to pick up his prescription.
Seeing the £10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife
had a different opinion - Oh, £40 a year ain't too bad.
A report out today states that gardeners will not need to stake tomato
plants any longer. Just one Viagra tablet in their water, and they stand
up straight and firm.
What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? - Niagara Falls

[Art Burtt]

I had me some of that there Viagra but, me wife threw it down the well now I can't get the pump handle down!

[cobra de capell]

May be a repeat, but funny.....

Subject: A damn fine explanation

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued - ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help. As I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’


A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The presidential debate was a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a Sermon on the Mount." –Jay Leno

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." –Conan O'Brien

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien

"The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week, Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not, marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one" --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money." --Jay Leno

"At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves 'Blacks Against Obama.' Actually, a pretty small group. It's just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama's plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we're still waiting." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.''" –Conan O'Brien

"The big news story today is Sarah Palin. Every day, Sarah Palin. And it is not exactly hard-hitting stuff. I haven’t seen the media fawn over a celebrity this much since -- Barack Obama." --Craig Ferguson

"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people." --Jay Leno

Barack Obama, apparently, is so popular in the African town where his father was born that they've named a beer after him there. Isn't that cool? Yeah. The Obama beer is called a 'Black and Tan and Asian and Caucasian.' A complicated drink." --Conan O'Brien

"And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe." --David Letterman

"The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change." --Jay Leno

"People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited." --Conan O'Brien

"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl." --Jay Leno, on Sarah Palin's convention speech

"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama's campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn't say exactly why." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

[cobra de capell]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When....

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You're the employee of the month at the Espresso 4 U coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your T-shirt says: Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
When someone says: How are you? You say: Good to the last drop.
You're offended when people use the word brew to mean beer.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.