Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 4 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about 2 hours after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."Poof ! . . . He was turned into a woman.

She checked the map, hiked a hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
_____

The Fortune Teller...

After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news.

Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"
_____

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin
_____

In response to complaints from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that there are not enough Black and Hispanic people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that, in the future, 'America's Most Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.

[cobra de capell]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG which is God spelled backwards.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were NOT the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a s$$t one way or the other.

[cobra de capell]

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.



JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.



BLACK WOMEN

1st Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
2nd Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
3rd Date: You get to pay her rent.
10th Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.



MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.


The POINT?


DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[cobra de capell]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service.
_____

A bus stops and 2 men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'


$ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

[Dan40]

Do you know the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker, and a prostitute with diarrhea?
,
,
,
,
,
,
The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits!

Dan

[Sharroll Celby]

What's the difference between a girl's track team and a group of midgets who are Mensans?



The group of midgets are cunning runts!

[Dan40]

What's the difference between Nancy Pelosi and the Panama Canal?


The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

[cobra de capell]

Two gay guys are standing at seperate urinals in the mens room.

One looks at the others privates, notices something odd and says "oohh, what happened to you? Why the Band-aide?

The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!
_____

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Cobra I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the month ly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
_____

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[cobra de capell]

Handy Household Cleaning Tip

1. Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2. Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3. Stand on the lid;

Note: Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4. Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5. Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6. Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7. Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling.

You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....

THE DOG.......

[cobra de capell]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

Why, it was nothing said the biker, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. I noticed a patch on your jacket said the journalist.

"Yeah I ride with a Christian motorcycle club" the biker replies.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: Biker gang member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch!
_____

4 TRUTHS

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

[cobra de capell]

Chester and Earl are going hunting.

Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there.'

Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really were only two ducks out there!'

Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.'

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!'

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, 'Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f***in' ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'
_______

Old Matt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Matt the computer guy, to come over. Matt clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Matt .
______

"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby

[cobra de capell]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do, she said.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'

[427 S/O]

Winnie The ????"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The
teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
thing
they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the
correct
words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl
to
try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought
hard
and said, "I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The ****!!"

[cobra de capell]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[cobra de capell]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," She replied.

"Oh that! That is nothing. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," He explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied......."Your horse called."
_____

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[cobra de capell]

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about any one getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No... A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these.Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change"

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this.... A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know…. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is.."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue..

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon........................................(proba bly liberals)

[cobra de capell]

Back in 1912, Best Foods mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of it scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to Mexico. It sank after smashing into an iceberg.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known as "Sinko De Mayo".
_______

[cobra de capell]

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)


Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase , "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a
concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.


Q. I just joined an Arizona HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two
categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
you but are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just 2 day's drive away
somewhere in northern New Mexico.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but, considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's
no harm in giving it a shot .


Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

[cobra de capell]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
'Yes we do have dildos.

Actually, we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks:
'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick...
aaand rruns by bbaatteries?'

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks:
'Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?'

[cobra de capell]

The Definition of OLD..

First you tell your friends that you are having an affair........

Then your friend asks you........ 'Are you having it catered???'
_____

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman sitting straight up, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Oh my god, that must be my husband!"

The guy quickly jumped straight out of the bed, scared and naked... he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, jumped up and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.
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Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

And that folks............is how the fight started.
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A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but
all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No, sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No, sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible."

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is our next President."