Jokes

[cobra de capell]

So I booked into a hotel and said ............... to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
_____

President Barack Obama states that a needed aspirin tax will go into effect immediately raising the price 40%.

Why??

Because its white and it works....
_____

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
_____

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

[cobra de capell]

Unemployment, recession, fuel costs, inflation, the only solution is for every American to buy a 2009 car and not drive it.
_____

Amusing Irrelevant Facts

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.

2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.

4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.

8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
_____

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from Boston recently was transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. Thinking she had her first violation to report, she persisted, ‘'But are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'
_____

A few years ago after the Patriots beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl, George W. Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great victory.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson and said "Thanks".

[cobra de capell]

Hey, do you know why Mexico is better than the US?
Because their Government at least doesn't pretend it's not corrupt!



Playboy offered Palin 1 million for a photo spread
Michelle was pissed.

National geographic saved tha day by offering michelle five hundred.
_____
Not a joke, but nonetheless funny, in a way....


First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE F*** UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing ****. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The ***** deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.

[Ron61]

UP OR DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman And an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what

had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuc* or drown.

[cobra de capell]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that @ucking party, you're lucky you don't bark!
______

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
_____

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
_____

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'
_____

[cobra de capell]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
_____



Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party - The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

[cobra de capell]

Top 10 Signs You Need To Clean Your Pool

1. You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It’s NOT a pool cover.
2. The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
3. The water’s pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
4. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
5. Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.
6. A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
8. Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
9. You haven’t seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke’s last movie.
10. The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.
_____

After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
_____

These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
_____

During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable.

Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.
____

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Cobrabill]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'



To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I ****ed on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery, jammed a big dildo in my ass, put clothespins on my nuts, beat me over the head and back with a chain, pulled the dildo out of my ass, tried to make me suck the dildo???'



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[cobra de capell]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it s only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making luff to my vife ,' Ole answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry.' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'

'Vell,' says Ole, 'I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face.'
_____

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia.

Upon entering a church in Alma, Georgia which is only about 30 miles from Waycross....behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents'.

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden Telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country....It's a local call.'
_____

A hiker became lost and ends up spending the next three days wandering around in the woods looking for food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle perched on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating the bird raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the bird, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask - what did the bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

[cobra de capell]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard

rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

‘But we didn't use them,’ the man complains. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,’ Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. ‘The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,’ the Manager says.

‘But we didn't go to any of those shows, ‘complains the man again.

‘Well, we have them, and you could have,’ the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, ‘But we didn't use it!’

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. ‘But sir,’ he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.’

‘That's correct,’ says the man. ‘I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.’

‘But I didn't!’ exclaims the Manager.

‘Well, too bad,’ the man replies. ‘She was here and you could have.’
____

BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN LONG, LONG TIME!!!

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
_____

Scene: Waiting room at hospital.
Doctor: Well, Mr. Greboflatz, there is good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have previously unknown condition. It is rapidly progressing and progressively debilitating. You'll be gone in just a few weeks. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do — we've never seen this disease before. Nobody has ever seen this before.

Patient: Wh-what’s the good news?

Doctor: We're naming it after you!
____

Judy is confiding to a friend, "I fall in love really quickly and this
scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you,
I want to move in with you! I want to bear your kids!'

They usually reply with such unromantic stuff like, 'Ma'am, just give me
the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"

[cobra de capell]

3 DEAD BODIES

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."
____

NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Vocabulary Word for the Day


LIQUIDITY

Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!
_____

Q) What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?


A) One of them shucks between fits.
____

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and$100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
______

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes that's 80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers, for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

[cobra de capell]

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.

You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

You have enough spare parts to build another car.

More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"

People know you by your class, car number, and car color.

You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.

A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.

You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.

You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

You save broken car parts as "momentous".

You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.

You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"

You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.

You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.

You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.

You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.

You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.

You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.

You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.

Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.

You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.

You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.
_____

YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.
*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.
*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.
*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate
*Your race car has never been on a trailer.
*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.
*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!
*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.
*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.
*Your wife's car runs 12s.
*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.
*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.
*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.
*You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down.
*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."
*18 wheelers yield to you.
*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.
*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.
*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.
*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.
*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.
*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.
*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
*You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week.
*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.
*Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.
*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.
*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

[Fred Douglass]

A: The barbed wire pricks the steer!

[Goober]

Best one I've heard lately

We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[cobra de capell]

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.
32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.
33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.
34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.
35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.
36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.
37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.
38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.
39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.
40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.
41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.
44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.
45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."

With that said, there is no such thing as to much horsepower.
_____

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car


10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
_____

Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur


10. Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.
9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4x4 pickup truck frame.
8. Thinks "roughing it" is camping at a KOA campground.
7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.
6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.
5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.
4.Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).
3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.
2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.
1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.
_____

What a Car Really Says About Its Owner


Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX- I am impotent
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
MGB- I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
_____

Classified Ad Translator


Here is a guide to help you decode the real truth behind those classified car ads.

"What the ad says" - "What it actually means."


Must sell - Before it blows up.

Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.

Appraised at $29,000 - By me.

Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.

Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.

Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.

Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.

Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.

Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!

Minor Rust - Don't sit down!

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.

California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.

Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.

Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.

Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.

Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.

Looks Great - In dim light.

Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Solid as a rock - Rusted solid

Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.

Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.

Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.

Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.

Older Restoration - First owner washed it.

One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - 8-track player.

95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.

95% Complete - Everything except the engine.

Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.

Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.

Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.

Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.

Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.

Must Sell - Need bail money.

Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.

Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.

Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.

Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.

Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.

New Tires - Retreads years ago.

Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.

Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.

No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.

Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.

Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.

Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.

Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.

All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Desireable Classic - No one wants it.

Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.

Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.

Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.

Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.

Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.

Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.

Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.

Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.

Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.

No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.

Loaded with Options - None of them work.

Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.

Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.

Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.

Drive It Away - I live on a hill.

Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.

Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.

Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.

Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.

Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.

Parts Car - Beyond repair.

Immaculate - Recently washed.

Concours Condition - Recently waxed.

95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.

Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.

Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"

[cobra de capell]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .

After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"

The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"
_____

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began to ask, "My husband wants me to ask you if......"

"I know, I know," the doctor interrupted, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed, "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
_____

[Ron61]

THE OLD MAN:

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do
anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied.

'Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

[cobra de capell]

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"
_____

Mysterious Phrases Explained

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.

[cobra de capell]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his *****. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.
______

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
_____

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

ON HAIRDRYER;
- Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
- Fits one head.

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
- Remove clothes before ironing

ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning: keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
- Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
- Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands