Jokes

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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this
Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
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ConfessionC2

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Centerville Elementary in Centerville, Texas. In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics. I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS: 1. ________ 2. ________ 3..________ 4. ________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DOVE SEASON 2. DEER SEASON 3. DUCK SEASON 4. SQUIRREL SEASON

GOD BLESS TEXAS !!!
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[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

The Moles
A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says, .
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is...


Scroll down...


Get ready...


You may never forgive me for this one...


MOLASSES!"
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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,

"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how our teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!
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The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an a##hole.
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[cobra de capell]

Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?". His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you'll need to find out, so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male."
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Father O'Mally and Elvis"

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious
as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"
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A Greek is culturally bragging to an Italian, "We invented democracy, we invented great architecture and realistic statuary. We virtually invented eros and sex."

The Italian says "They may have invented sex, but we introduced it to women."
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Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".
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An art thief was caught by police right outside the Museum.

The thief didn't have the Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.
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[cobra de capell]

"OLD" IS WHEN....... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN...... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN...... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN...... You don't
care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN....... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting a little action" means you don't
need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN...... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN…….. You are not sure these are jokes.
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A woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees
him standing in front of the mirror saying......

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."


'His funeral is next Tuesday....."
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An old Cajun was celebrating his 92 years on this Earth. Sitting down, he smiled and spoke to his toes.

"Hello, dere toes!" he said, "how you are toes? You know, you 92 today! Oh, de times we had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Dem times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee!

Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch and shook his head. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you! Did you know, if you was alive today, you'd be 92
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Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite.

Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering "Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.

Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
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[cobra de capell]

This rich Frenchman had a butler. The butler was excellent in every way, but he was a staunch communist. This bothered the rich Frenchman somewhat, but he dealt with it.

As part of their employment agreement, the butler had every Tuesday night off to attend Communist Party meetings.

One Tuesday night, the butler’s employer saw the light burning in the butler’s room. Thinking something might be wrong with him, he went up to investigate.

The butler answered the door in his slippers, newspaper in hand, looking perfectly well.

“Why aren’t you at the communist party meeting tonight?”

“Because at the last meeting, it was proven that if all the wealth in France were equally divided, everyone would have four thousand francs”.

“So?” says the rich guy?

Replies the butler: “Well... I have FIVE thousand francs.”
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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy ¹s hand in his right hand and Harry¹s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke.

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued...

"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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[cobra de capell]

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.

[cobra de capell]

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of the Steeler SuperBowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Lions are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well." Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Roger Goodell and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing in free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."

"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL that will not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to geta break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league."

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again.The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival, the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans. Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has met with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their losing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for "Hope and Change."

[cobra de capell]

I wanted a simple part time job after retiring. Though I've always been a "people person," I admit that as I aged a bit, I have become a little less sensitive. After getting hired as a Wal-Mart greeter, I got fired on the first day.

About two hours into the job, a loud, fat, mean-spirited woman walked in with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart." Since she was so upset, I decided to get her in a good mood like a true "people person" would. I smiled broadly and said, "Nice children you have there. They look so much alike! Are they twins?"

"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. What makes you think they're twins? You blind or stupid or sumthin'?"

Like I said, I'd barely started this job. What would the next person be like? And the ones after that? And then there was tomorrow and next week....or was there? I decided right then that there would be no next week, no tomorrow--not even a next hour.

"I apologize for being just another blind and stupid man. I can tell by looking at your kids that blind and stupid men have already been in your life too much."

"Really, Mr. Smart Guy?? And just how can you tell that?"

"You got laid twice, didn't you?"
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Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue..

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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[cobra de capell]

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

[cobra de capell]

therefore, it looks like my brand of humor had better to posted to my own thread, it's getting unpopular around here....

Anyway.......

And what's silliest of all, is the Obama Administrations NEW TERMINOLOGY:

Domestic Terrorist = Man-Caused Disaster

War On Terrorism = Overseas Contingency Operation

Enemy Combatants = Undocumented Freedom Fighters
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him quickly to the emergency room.

After a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, tired and wearing his scrubs along with a long face. Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, “We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before!”
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_____

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Just in:
Lexington, KY - The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.

Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Fred Douglass]

..absolutely hysterical....but.....will there be a midnight knock on yer door?

Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

[cobra de capell]

The following symbol can be used nationwide by drivers... whenever they see someone with an Obama bumper sticker.

As you pass the other vehicle, make the following motion to the driver to express your support.




The circle stands for Obama, our president.

The back and forth motion reflects the inevitable progress -- like the tide itself -- of his Marxist agenda.

Several Democrat political consultants say that Barack Obama spent part of his vacation in Hawaii working on weaning himself off his heavy dependence on teleprompters. Apparently, even at events that are considered "town hall" events, Obama's remarks are scripted or in bullet points that scroll on the teleprompter. One political consultant said, "He just locks down and can't get the words out ... For such a fine speaker, it's really quite remarkable that he's had issues."

I guess the homework didn't pay off as well as Democrats would like, considering the fallout from the Saddleback Forum.

Don't worry ... if he ever has to confront Putin or some mad mullahs we'll make sure a teleprompter is handy.

By the way, the president’s teleprompter was pleased with this evening’s performance (the teleprompter launched a blog a few days ago). Despite being abandoned, it seemed to be signaling there’s room enough for both a teleprompter and a giant monitor. Talk about post partisanship.

“I knew My Man wouldn’t let me down,” it wrote. “This LCD screen thing is gonna make life so much easier for him when he’s in the White House. But when we hit the road, it’s gonna be back to basics. I’m exhausted. All those stats, and facts, and challenges, and resolutions. I need a drink.”

[cobra de capell]

Bill and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"

"Uh huh," said Bill

"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra .

"Uh huh," said Bill.

"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.

"That's right," said Bill, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
_____

Signs that the Recession is Bad...
10. Bill Gates sold his Lamborghini for a Geo.
9. Obama has been told to ration his "Uhhh"s
8. We are running dangerously low on our national stockpile of funk.
7. Obama's betting $50 billion in Vegas this weekend.
6. Money is so tight, Congress gave itself a raise.
5. Rich New Englanders contemplating feeling bad for the poor.
4. Democrats decide to only spend $830 billion in wasteful spending this year.
3. Obama is filmed during a press conference falling to his knees and shouting, "WHY!?"
2. Tim Geithner works the night shift at McDonald's.
1. Californians have again taken to "California Cheeseburgers."

Bonus...

Geitner just found out each Monopoly box comes with $15400 in currency, all for 10.99 at Target. He’s decided the treasury will buy up all the Monopoly games and all will be better.
_____

Money

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!

Cash only please.
____

"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
_____

[cobra de capell]

(JUST FOR YOU LADIES)


This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were
little:

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so.
_____

MAMMOGRAMS

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door.
Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tyre of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!


AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And when we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!

[cobra de capell]

Possibly a joke, but.......


Do you suffer from a bad case of Obamunism? Take our simple test to find out.


You might be an Obamunist if:

You have tingles running up your legs when President Obama reads from a TelePrompTer.
You believed excessive government spending on President Bush’s watch was going to bankrupt the country (What about the deficit? Think of The Children!), but President Obama’s spending us into oblivion is actually going to save us.
You thought President Bush’s cabinet members were evil, (Rice, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, etc.) but Obama’s rogue’s gallery of tax cheats and Bush holdovers is no big deal.
You believe President Bush’s “war on terror” was the invention of a crazed warmonger, but President Obama can continue the same activities as long as he doesn’t call it a “war on terror.”

The continued daily existence of Guantanamo Bay was a horror for you under Bush, but President Obama leaving it open is a snoozer.
You believe the bloated wastefulness of companies like AIG should be punished by putting them under the control of the bloated wastefulness of the buffoons in Congress.
You dislike dealing with large, inefficient, uncaring government bureaucracies like the DMV or the IRS, but hope Obama will give you “free” healthcare provided by a large, inefficient, uncaring government bureaucracy.
You consider yourself post-racial but have yet to come down off of your “I still can’t believe we elected the (half) black guy! Let’s celebrate by giving him whatever he wants without question!” euphoria.
You feel that speaking truth or asking questions is “hate” if it makes President Obama look bad.
You think Keith Olbermann is a professional journalist.
If you find yourself exhibiting some of these symptoms, you may be an Obamunist. Do not be alarmed, but Obamunism is a dangerous phenomenon not to be taken lightly. Symptoms are generally expensive, with taxes and costs rising in the infestation phase. During gestation an inflammation of the rhetoric may be accompanied by acute fear of capitalism. When full manifestation occurs, Obamunist agents will become agitated and highly mobile. Any irritant will be sought out and neutralized immediately. Tingling in the extremities can be expected to continue unabated even after government control is fully established.

Sadly, treatment for Obamunism is limited. The illness will generally have to run its course, with the typical length of action being four years, though there are examples lasting much longer. Administration of regular doses of truth may in some cases be useful in mitigating symptoms, but the patient may actively resist such measures. Things may simply have to get much worse before they get better.

[cobra de capell]

Obamunism, a few more......

1) Your ONLY reason for voting for Obama was a shrill and irrational hatred toward GW Bush

2) You fell hook,line and sinker for the Hope and Change Propaganda

3) An inexperienced US senator is fully able to handle the duties of the Presidency while an inexperienced Gov is not AT ALL able to handle the duties of a Vice President.

4) SNL and Tina Fey are reliable and honest news sources

5) Economic Outcomes should be equal regardless of talent, work ethic or risk.

6) Your vote was solely based on the color of the candidate

7) You believe the government should be out of our bodies and bedrooms but should be heavily involved in others wallets.

8) There are 57 states and in 1929 FDR got on the TV to calm the nation after the Wall Street Crash

9) Diversity and Multiculturalism are better than a melting pot

10) Speech is free until you disagree with the message and then it becomes hate speech.

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt . Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the Army."


Moral for women:


Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
_____

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. The kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply She answered,

"Well, today I didn't do it."
_____

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
_____

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a*s is for."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Hey, there are no handles inside these car doors!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson.

Let it down slowly.

Hand me a fork, the toaster is jammed again.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Watch this.

This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

That birthmark on you head looks just like a 666.

What duck?
_____

12 inches was too long so I had it shortened to 6

I was embarrassed by the excessive length sticking out. At the beach, women would stare and snicker as it dangled from side to side as I walked. Men would avert their gaze to avoid eye contact. In public restrooms I even worried that it might touch the floor by accident.

Finally I tied it in a knot and cut the excess off.

I don't know why sneaker manufacturers insist on using shoelaces that extend so far beyond the top eyelet.
_____

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
_____

Pay back is hell!

Well folks it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and to take revenge on the brunettes. Here's their revenge:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache
_____

[cobra de capell]

Dear Pres. Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one’s down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it several times, then bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV’s, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley.

I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed:
“Concerned in CA”

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn’t file their income tax return this year.

Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?
_____





Years from now Obama and Bush die of old age only a second apart.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates. Obama died only one second before W so he is ahead in line.

St. Peter says to Obama, “Here are your robes of silk and your staff of gold. Welcome to Heaven”.

W steps up next. St. Peter says to Bush, “Here are your robes of cotton and your staff of wood. Welcome to Heaven”.

George asks, “St. Peter, he gets silk and gold? And I get cotton and wood?”

St. Peter says, “George, while you were President, the people peacefully slept. While Obama was President the people constantly prayed. The Lord rewards results.”