Jokes

[cobra de capell]

An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes’ happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin’ that ain't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning’.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

* If you get to thinkin’ you're a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
—

Finally.....
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
_____

[cobra de capell]

A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-muted gymnast, nymphomaniac with
big t**s who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a s**t.
_____

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was...........

“Would you please give your honest opinion about

solutions to the food shortage in the rest of

the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Australia they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And Finally......(drum roll)

In the U.S. they hung up because they can’t understand an Indian accent.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help...while he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009:
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho

[cobra de capell]

Don Rickles Roasts the Dems...

Hello, dummies! Oh my Gosh, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint Bernard. Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T. And Reid's so dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual. Nevada is soooo screwed! If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.

Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Seriously, the Speaker may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot. Madame Speaker... want to make twelve bucks the hard way? Pelosi says she's not partisan, but her constituents call her Madame Pelossilini.

Charlie Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion. He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income! So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary? Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.

Barney Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider... he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system! Let's all admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right.... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him. Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local newspaper calls you a "lying weasel", it may be time to retire. Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons . Even Rangel looks up to him!

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... especially given your upbringing. All you've overcome... I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for you. Personally, I don't think you're a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others? Gibbs does his best expositional work in the bathroom every morning.

As for President Obama, what can I say? They say President Obama's arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree. Now it's true when you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. His mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it. Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name really was Barack. Just don't ask about his middle name! But Obama was able to set a record... he actually lied more in 60 days than Bill Clinton. As far as his administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists -- well, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there."

With all due respect.

FOR THOSE THAT VOTED FOR "HOPE AND CHANGE"... BEND OVER AND PREPARE TO RECEIVE YOUR BOUNTY.

[cobra de capell]

Top 10 Signs You’re Over The Hill

When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
You wear black socks with sandals.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.
_____

Another sign you're getting old.......

You forget to zip up.

A sign you're getting really old?

You forget to zip down.
_____



I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofa*****!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[cobra de capell]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
_____

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!
_____

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
_____

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
_____

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
_____

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor.

The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."
_____

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Random Facts

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"

The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

Almonds are members of the peach family

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz

Charlie Brown's father was a barber

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)

Ingrown toenails are hereditary

In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role

Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actors' salaries.

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur

Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers

Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth

Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football game at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box

Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister,

Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

Alexander the Great was an epileptic

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Horses cannot vomit. Rabbits cannot vomit

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister

Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living

Dartboards are made out of horsehairs

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox

Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles

The only planet without a ring is earth

Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks

A group of unicorns is called a blessing

[cobra de capell]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
_____

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_____

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled in.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
_____

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
_____

May be a repeat, but still funny...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go for the farmer to help pull him out of the hole. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from certain death!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

The chicken did as he was told and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
_____

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
_____

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."

[cobra de capell]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
_____

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...Is he still wrong?
_____

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do blowjobs."

"Blowjobs!" The woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained frog's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"
_____

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The same nurse walked up to the fellow and before she could congratulate him, the fellow said, "Like I always say, you've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then responded with, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."
_____

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

A dog
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn?t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again... It now says:

"'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT B$TCH!'"

[cobra de capell]

A husband came across a study which he took triumphantly home to his wife.

"Look here," he said, "this study shows that men use about 15,000 words a day while women use 30,000. What do you think about that?"

The wife thought for a moment and said, "Well, I think that's because we have to say everything twice."

Looking perplexed, the husband said "What?"
_____

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last seven months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
_____

The mind of a five-year old is wonderful. One day I was reading the story of Chicken Little to my class.

I came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. I read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

I paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One of my little girls raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S$it! A talking chicken!'"
_____

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I"ve got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

"75 cents."
_____

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

The boy says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies simply, "Nope."

The boy continues, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

"A wedding ring."
_____

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear; "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for thumbtacks. In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom; "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
_____

How come blondes doesn't talk during sex?

Cuz, they're not suppose to talk to strangers.
_____

[cobra de capell]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS:


Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stabel home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my love button is.

A: Your love button is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love you man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
_____

Ain't this the truth

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".


Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".


Now Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.
_____

In order to comply with the requirements of the Obama administration, the following cars will be the only vehicle selections that will be available in this country beginning with model year 2011:


The SmartCar












And of course, that timeless classic, the Smustang

[cobra de capell]

guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn ‘t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

With age comes wisdom.

[Ron61]

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 - 16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of "Guns &Ammo" Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba:

Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this moring and
messed him up bad.

I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

[cobra de capell]

We've had enough Redneck jokes. Now here on some takes oh how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

You just might be a Yankee if:

1. you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. you don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly

3. For breakfast,you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

4. You don't know what a moon pie is.

5. You've never had an RC cola.

6. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

7. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

8. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cow you've seen are on road trips.

9. You have no idea what a polecat is.

10.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

11. You don't have bangs.

12. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

13. You would rather your son became a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

14. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them"you guys," even if both of them are women.

15. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

16. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n'knife show.

17. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

18. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

19. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

20.. YOu don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

21. The farthest south you've even been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

22. You call binoculars opera glasses.

23. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

24. You've never been to a craft show.

On the other hand.......

You may be a redneck if.....

* You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.
* You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.
* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* You think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

And last, but not least...
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!
_____

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are out in a field.

The priest says, "Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw our money into the air. Whatever lands outside the circle, we keep; whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."

The minister says, "I have a better idea: we throw the money into the air and we keep what lands INSIDE the circle."

The Rabbi says, "Tell you what: let's just throw the money up, and whatever God wants, he can keep."
_____

[cobra de capell]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a immigration Agent at the Tijuana-San Diego border.

"May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border ," said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

"This I must see," replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago , Senor."

"Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"
_____

In a rural TV program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t$ts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
_____

THE HAIRCUT AND IMPORTANT LESSON


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, The barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
_____

And so it starts:

Farrah Fawcett arrives at Heaven.

After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomes Farrah and tells her she can have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!

Back on earth at that very moment, Michael Jackson dropped dead.

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone good to make a pitch for him to God.

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...
_____

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Ron61]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


"Outside 20 of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,


"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
20
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
=2 0

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclu de certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
20
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
20
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

20
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[FWB]

thanks ron, i'm a genius

[Sharroll Celby]

After Michael Jackson died, they had to cancel his future dates, including Anthony, aged 9, and William, aged 10.