Jokes

[Fordzilla]

No problem Jamo, Thanks for the help!

[d_ford]

World's shortest fairy tale...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will
you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy
lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played
golf a lot and drank
beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left
the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted,

The End.

[DAVID GAGNARD]

T-boy Boudreaux finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies.. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where you come from? How you get here?'

'I rowed over from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Dat's amazing,' he says. 'You was really lucky to have a rowboat wash up wit you.'
'Oh, this?' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But ... but .. dat's impossible,' stutters T-boy. 'You ain't had no tools or hardware. How you manage dat?'
'Oh, no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' T-boy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As T-boy looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?'
'No, no tank you,' he says, still dazed. 'Can't take no mo of dat coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, T-boy goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'WOW! dis woman is amazing,' he muses, 'what gonna be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.

You know...'
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing!

'You mean ...', he swallows excitedly, 'We gonna watch the LSU game from here'?

[Jim Werth]

Something for the more "mature age group"






New Wine for Seniors



California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a
new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

[cobra de capell]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
_____

An odd site.....http://darkmatter.com/
_____

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots " With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde
put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some
35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him , fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the
cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY
TIME!

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Do you know the front from the back of a tree?

A cajun from mamou , louisiana decides to travel across the south to virginia to see the tree covered mountains and move out of hurricane country. When he gets to franklin , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the redneck log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck, to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

the cajun promptly answers, "mais, dat one dere's a white pine, wit' 383 board feet of lumber "

the redneck foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"dat's a loblolly pine dere, an' she's got about 456 clear board feet."

the redneck foreman is really impressed with this coonass boy. He has been quick and got all of the answers right without using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the redneck foreman stops again..... This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?"

before the foreman finishes pointing, the cajun says, "dat's a white oak, 242 board feet at best."

the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks this coonass is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks young mr. Boudreaux to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there?" "i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree."

the foreman thinks to himself, "dumb coonass, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"

when boudreaux reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.. "dat dere's da front," the cajun says.

The foreman laughs to himself and then asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

the cajun looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody done went an' took a great big crap behind it!"

he got the job.

[392cobra]

Recently, during a routine patrol, a Forney, Tx. policeman parked across the street from a VFW Hall in Forney.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[392cobra]

Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama

is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers

the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him

by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing

that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.



The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,

but I've never heard of circle flies." "Well Sir," the cowboy replies,

"circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because

they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."




"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment

later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the

citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."




"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

[392cobra]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done by a medical panel consisting of customers at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED AN OBAMA FREE HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

[cobra de capell]

No, not a joke but since summer is over, why not review what you may have missed on a California beach......

My new Doctor

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the
file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he
finished all 37 pages, he looked up at me.

"You look better in person than you do on paper." he remarked.
_____

Little Johnny came home one day and announced that he had sex with his English teacher. Mom was so appalled that she couldn't even talk. But his dad congratulates him, hi-fives him, and takes him out to buy a new bike.
After getting back, he asks "why arent you riding your new bike, son?"
Little Johnny says "I can't. My butt's still hurting"
_____

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast:

[392cobra]

To try and keep the local Liberal censors/critics from wasting their time....This is not mine,it is a copy & paste.Like everything else on Jokes.


A Conservative discussion with a Liberal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have noticed that many liberals are never willing to argue fact, history, cause & effect, logic or moral principals. They rely instead upon their pop culture, music videos, the statements of clueless Hollywood celebrities, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, USA Today, New Your Times, People magazine, Rolling Stone magazine and Socialistic politicians to form their opinions.

In an effort to bridge this wide divide, I thought I would reduce a likely discussion to the form of an analogy of how Conservatives see things and how the Liberal Left sees things.

I kept it simple so that the Left would understand the valid point.

Liberal: My two year old Harley needs a new clutch pack so I got this chisel and hammer and I'm going to "rip it from the right" side tonight and then it'll pull and shift great!

Conservative: Well, I happen to know that if you're sitting on the bike, the clutch pack is on the left side of the newer Harleys.

L: You can't tell me what to do, I do what I want and think what I want! George Bush sucked and I'm never going to listen to you! As I sit on the bike, my clutch is on the right, I know it and you're never going to change my mind!

C: Have you ever worked on a Harley clutch before?

L: You're stupid, I know what I'm doing, you can't tell me what to do or think! Everyone should be forced to "rip it from the right"! We need to make it a law! We need Czars! We need Clutch N Trade regulations! We need the fairness doctrine to silence you, to keep you from telling me how to do it.

C: I'm not trying to tell you what to think, I just have experience in this matter as I have sacrificed much by working day and night as a Harley mechanic for 40 years and now I own the company that builds the clutches for Harley. I am the voice of logic, truth and experience.

L: I saw an Al Gore movie called "An inconvenient clutch" and he said the whole world's at risk and our problems can be easily solved by "ripping it from the right".

C: Well, if you "rip it from the right", it will destroy the inner structure and the entire supporting system will be destroyed rendering it weak, inoperative and worthless.

L: You're just a hate monger and you're destroying the planet! I hate you and we need to take everything you have and give it to those that deserve it! We need distributive change!

C: No, I'm just concerned that you are going to destroy Harley's for everyone by trying to make a law to force everyone to "rip it from the right". I don't hate you, I hate what you're doing to our Harleys!

L: I saw Michael Moore’s latest documentary "Fahrenheit Clutch" that proves the conspiracy of Bush and it's because of conservatives always removing clutches from the left.

C: That's how they need to be removed. My experience guides me and having done the hard work, I know the facts, details and specifications. It's called informed judgment.

L: You're an idiot, everyone knows that clutches need to be "ripped from the right"! I watched the MTV awards just last night and all the award winners said we need to "rip it from the right"! Jeneane Garapolo gave a vulgar rant on the topic and said you are just a tea bag toting redneck that hates the fact that clutch needs to be "ripped from the right"!

C: It doesn't matter what they say, they were all wrong. The simple fact of the matter is that you are listening to the wrong people. People who don't know what they are talking about. People who will lead you to destroy what we all love. People who follow them are not wise. Your reasoning is flawed by inexperience, incorrect information and deceit.

L: We need to unionize all the Harley mechanics into SEIU! We need to assemble Acorn & SEIU to protest in front of the Harley dealerships. We need to beat down elderly riders and bite the fingers off anyone who disagrees with us! We need Reverend Wright to enlighten everyone on how anyone objecting to "ripping it from the right" is a racist!

C: So, if historic fact, experience, detailed diagrams and common sense don't sway your opinion, what will?

L: Nothing, you suck, your logic sucks, you're a stupid racist and George Bush sucks!

C: And there you have it, a typical discussion with a Liberal.

[cobra de capell]

Linda visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Linda stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single, flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"
_____

A woman goes into a dentist's surgery, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair..............
_____

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
_____

The Wedding Fairy . . .

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come
again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b@$tards should
remember fairies are female.....

[cobra de capell]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims - "You brought pavement?"
_____

Spanish Words of the Day

The teacher told Pepito to use certain English words in a sentence.

Here are Pepito's replies:

1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, Wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
_____

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest
son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell
me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her
name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both,"
replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining
sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children
in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and
exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the
Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor
Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills.
_____

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bit#h who will find you
_____



Obama Criticism Flow Chart [How to tell if criticism is racially motivated]

[392cobra]

I was on my way to spend my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part, to stimulate the economy. I found myself behind this little rice burner hybrid of a car, bearing a bumper sticker that read, "We did it! - Obama / Biden"

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!' She thanked me.

Then I quickly added, "It's good that you're taking responsibility for your mistake!" She gave me the finger and drove off.

[cobra de capell]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing....

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to go there....

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[cobra de capell]

Visit To The Welfare Office


A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy''

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Well, then I calls them by their last names'
_____

So a teacher is trying to ease into the subject of sex with her grade students. she asks if anyone had seen anything about sex.

One girl raised her hand and said she saw a movie about a woman having a baby. "good, that has lots to do with sex."

Another girl raised her hand and said she saw a TV show about people getting married. "well done, thats had to do with sex also."

A boy raised his hand and said he once saw a film where a hundred savage Indians come riding over a hill and John Wayne kills half of them. "that really doesn't have anything to do with sex billy." said the teacher. "yes it does." said the boy "it taught those Indians not to f..k with John Wayne."
_____

[392cobra]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

[Ron61]

MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's
an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[cobra de capell]

I Love Air Conditioning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHUUDHufeN8&NR=1

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.

In the foreground there was a beautiful blue lake with a single fish leaping out of the water. Around the fish's head was a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native American couples having sex.

The curator, both disgusted and baffled by what he saw, turned in rage and asked the artist, 'What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?'

The artist replied, 'Custer's last thought: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these f%#king Indians come from?'
_____