Jokes

[Riverside racer]

How you know when love fades?

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "Fu%k you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[Ron61]

The other stall:
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know
what got into me,
but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them !

May you always have love to share, health to spare, and friends that care.

[CobraEd]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: I believe so. If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


.

[dave from mesa]

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[Ron61]

HOW TO INSTALL
A SOUTHERN HOME
SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used
size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the
sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and
beer.

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up bad.

I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in
the house.

Better wait outside.


Be right back.

Cooter

[Ron61]

Universal Laws


1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgrease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw,when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: -The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers: Ifyou dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal and someone alwaysanswers.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will havea flat tire..

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (ortraffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one youare in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena: At any event, the people whose
seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones
who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the
toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game
is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies,and stay to the bitter end of the
performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an
appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Dan40]

A Saudi student sends an email to his Dad



Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser
************************************************** ******

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad

Loving Son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad

[Ron61]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[Ron61]

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip
or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also
discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Skully]

I was informed today that the state of Arizona when tested is the dumbest state ,they gave the test in English !

[392cobra]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin .

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means “getting ready to” in the south) to jump. She stopped her car,rolled down the window, and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart; just go ahead and jump you little Yankee bastard!''

[Joe Wicked]

LMAO Fred.

What do you call a blond Skeleton in a closet?









1897 Hide and go seek winner.

[Rick Parker]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our Church pot-luck dinner last night by only 1 point!

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave!

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

....Apparently the "correct" answer is Figi Islands? go figure.......

[bliss]

How to hold a beer and ride a Harley.......

[letsboogie351]

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!

[Ron61]

Everywhere a sign . . . . . .


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
.................

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :


"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[letsboogie351]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
__________________________________________________ _______________

my wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
__________________________________________________ _______________

[KevinW]

not exactly a joke with a punchline, but as i know some of you watch Top Gear, thought this might amuse...

http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/cockp...doo-again.html

[392cobra]

Originally Posted by KevinW

not exactly a joke with a punchline, but as i know some of you watch Top Gear, thought this might amuse...

http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/cockp...doo-again.html

This is over the top and uncalled for !

It's hard to beat good mexican food.

[392cobra]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.