Jokes

[Ron61]

A woman from San Francisco, CA who was a tree huger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down.

[Ron61]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."


Ron

[Dan40]

conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

[Sharroll Celby]

What is the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac SUV?


Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball!

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B".

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra ?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man
asked "So, what are the differences ?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite
simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The
Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said :
"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do ?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, " makes mountains out of molehills."

[Ron61]

Subject:

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we have sold 30 of them this month," he said.


The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true?

No more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked..

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
outta here!"

[Ron61]

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

[Anthony]

What does Tiger Woods and seals have in common?

They are both clubbed by Norwegians.

[Ron61]

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked;

'How did the human race start?'
Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve."
"They had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama
And asked the same question.

Michelle Obama answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
Which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me,
"The human race was created by God,"
and Michelle Obama said,
"They were evolved from monkeys?"
Her father answered,
"Well, Honey, it is very simple,
Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors,
and Michelle Obama, told you about hers."

[Ron61]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.

"The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."


"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[Ron61]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode..
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right..
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums..
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Ron61]

Marrying a woman from Canada




The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[Ron61]

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my
favourite actor Patrick Swayze and my favourite singer Stephen Gately
and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Barrack Obama!

[tcrist]

It is near the Christmas break for the school year. The students have turned in all their work, the classroom is clean and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question"

Teacher: " Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln"
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: Who said 'I have a Dream'?"
Again before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King, Jr."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go home too."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy"
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you can go home too."

Johnny is boiling mad at this point. He has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitc*es would keep there mouths shut!"

The teacher turns right around and asks "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "Tiger Woods, Can I GO NOW?"

[dave from mesa]

[Ron61]

The Frog and the Golfer

A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, heh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin.

So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[Ron61]

Peace. Love. Happiness. Joy.

> The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
> We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
> **********************
>
> America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
> **********************
>
> Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
> A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
> **********************
>
> Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
> A: A fund raiser.
> **********************
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
> A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to
> society.
> The other is for housing prisoners.
> **********************
>
> If Pelosi, Reid, Kerry and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
> ocean and it sank, who would be saved? .... America!
> **********************
>
> If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
> **********************
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
> A: Bo has papers.

[Ron61]

Subj: What I never realized about my dog


My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy ****, my dog is a democrat!

[belgiumbarry]

hahhaahaha, who tought our friend Silverback works for columns ? .............

[olddog]

Originally Posted by Ron61

Subj: What I never realized about my dog


My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy ****, my dog is a democrat!

There is a huge difference. You can have the dog put down anytime you want for any reason that strikes you. Democrats must be unborn to do that to them.