Jokes

[SPF2245]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Dan40]

Subject: BEER



Every once in a while you run into a genius with true talent.......


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Dan40]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!

[392cobra]

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

[Ron61]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water.His horse has already died of thirst..He's crawling through the
sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden
he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.There's a calculator in her
pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says
the genie... 'You know how I work....You have three wishes..''I'm not
falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA
genie..''What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks like you're a goner anyway!'The cowboy thinks about this for a
minute, and decides that the genie is right..'OK!, I wish I were in a lush
oasis with plenty of food and drink..'***POOF***The cowboy finds himself
in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with
jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.'OK, cowpoke, what's your second
wish?''My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams.'***POOF***The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.'OK, cowpuncher, you have
just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'After thinking for a few
minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful
women will want and need me.'***POOF***He was turned into a tampon.The
moral of the story:If the government offers to help you, there's going to
be a string attached.

[Ron61]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Seniors in love


An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends
home for dinner oneevening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded
every request to her husband with endearing terms
such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.The couple had been married almost 70
years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.


While the husband was in the living room, her lady
friend leaned over to her host to say,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you
still call your husband all those loving pet
names'.


The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you
the truth,' she said,'His name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to
ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.

[Jamo]

CW...beat me to it by 5 seconds.

Ron...there is obviously no exception for political jokes. Period.
Time off like anyone else.

[HYM810ANCE]

Two southern ladies were sitting on the veranda one afternoon after the return of one of them from her trip to Las Vegas. The one asked "So, is Las Vegas much different from the south?" The other replied "Oh my! They have things out there I had never heard of before." "Like what", the friend questioned. "Well, she said...they have men who like other men and they call them homo-sexuals, they have women who like other women and they call them lesbians and they have men who you can hire to do favors for women". Being extremely intrigued the friend asked "and what do they call them?!" To which the lady replied "Oh honey, I don't know...but I called him precious!"

[dave from mesa]

Policies and Procedures, how are they established?

In this experiment, they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.
AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by dave from mesa

Policies and Procedures, how are they established?

In this experiment, they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.
AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM

I thought this was going to be a joke!

[dave from mesa]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.

Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, sc***ed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home; 'took an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light f***ing candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't finish for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[BigGuy]

A man notices that his coworker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
So, he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the coworker replies
peevishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

I always wondered how this trend got started, and
now I know.

[Ron61]

The Candy With The Little Hole


This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.


The children began to identify the flavors by their
color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

[392cobra]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?''

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 23 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... that was me.......'

[392cobra]

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"


One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging 30 feet down in his pasture, near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".


Just makes a person proud to live in Texas , don't it?

[392cobra]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ- conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[392cobra]

Al Qaeda on Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-
day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately alloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden
explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,Ireland,Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Ron61]

Universal Truths Edit: This is longer than I realized when I cut it, so it it is over the limit please delete it. I received it from Mike.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Or
wine...or Margaritas!!)

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
every time!

[Ron61]

You have to be a New Englander to really appreciate this



A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge . She was about to
leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and
said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you
can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and
bring you food everyday".

"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.

"Just let me make love to you each night..." The blonde agreed.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's
screwing me".

"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Marthas Vineyard Ferry."