Jokes

[Ron61]

IDIOT SIGHTING


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already
got that side.'


This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener..

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is
larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed
her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get
the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed
me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind
of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road... The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore.'

>From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

[Bobcat]

When I was 13 , I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs . When I was 16 , I got a girlfriend with big boobs , but there was no passion , so I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life .

In college I dated a passionate girl , but she was too emotional . Everything was an emergency ; she was a drama queen , cried all the time and threatened suicide . So I decided I needed a girl with stability .

When I was 25 , I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything . Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement .

When I was 28 , I found an exciting girl , but couldn`t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another , never settling on anything. She did mad , impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy . She was great fun initially and very energetic , but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition .

When I turned 30 , I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet firmly planted on the ground , so I married her . She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned .

I am older and wiser now , and I`m looking for a girl with big boobs .

[Ron61]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby.. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack him again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

[Ron61]

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the b! uzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

[Ron61]

Irish pickup line .......................


Irish Pick-up Line

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch.

I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies,
'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast.

Can I buy you a drink? '

[VRM]

A truck driver sees a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump give me a blowjob." So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent you got. Why are you committing a suicide?". "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by VRM

A truck driver sees a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump give me a blowjob." So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent you got. Why are you committing a suicide?". "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

You are killing me...

[Buzz]

Damm! He probably felt like jumping off the bridge himself after that.

[Ron61]

Steve,

Now that was a good one. But don't take it to hard. Some of them can fool, anyone.

Ron

[VRM]

Originally Posted by Ron61

Steve,

Now that was a good one. But don't take it to hard. Some of them can fool, anyone.

Ron

Yeah, I changed the story from a computer engineer to truck driver to protect the not so innocent.

[Ron61]

!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans & Blacks on Star Trek ?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'

Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

[Dan40]

You missed a group.

If a transvestite came up missing, would you put it's picture on a carton of half n' half?

[392cobra]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.



They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.

[Sharroll Celby]

A man walks into a bar in the Old West, and sees the bar owner's horse sticking its' head in the window. The man bets the bartender $500 that he can make the horse laugh. Bartender says "OK". Man walks over to the horse, whispers in its' ear, and the horse ROARS with laughter. Man collects his $500 and walks out.
A week later, the same man walks into the same bar, and sees the horse sticking its head in the window. Man bets the bartender $1000 that he can make the horse cry, without touching the horse. Bartender accepts the bet, and the man walks over to the horse, takes its reins, and walks the horse around the back of the building. The man and the horse come back not 20 seconds later, and the horse is BAWLING its' eyes out. The man collects his $1000 and heads for the door.
Bartender stops the man and asks how he was able to take $1500 of the bartenders' money. Man says he got the horse to laugh by whispering in its ear that he was hung better than the horse. Bartender asks how he got the horse to cry. Man says that when he walked the horse around the back..............he showed him!

[Ron61]

I received this from Mike.

A Massachusetts State Police Officer sees a car puttering along the
highway at 38 MPH so he turns on his lights and pulls them over. There are
five old ladies ~ two in the front seat and three in the back ~ eyes wide
and white as ghosts silently staring straight ahead.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit: 38 MPH! What seems to be the
problem?"

The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "38" is
the route number, not the speed limit.

The 80-year-old woman sheepishly grinned and thanked him for pointing
out her error.

"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car okay?
The other ladies seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be okay in a minute," says the driver. "We just got off of
Route 128."

[Ron61]

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

Gotta love this Judge! You must read this....a proper decision by the
courts...for a change.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY In Florida , an atheist created a
case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an
attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and
observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that
atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case
dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,
How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet
my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are
unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is
the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then
he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!


In GOD we trust!..

[VRM]

Good one Ron!!

Top 10 reasons Beer is better than religion...

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[Ron61]

Steve,

I like # 2. People around here prove it every day and have the tickets to show they proved it.

Ron

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[Dan40]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop ...