Jokes

[bliss]

Visual record of his earliest noting ..




WOW.........

[bliss]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[letsboogie351]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[Ron61]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly woman decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for 250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms are certainly not worth 250.00 for just an overnight stop. You didn't even serve breakfast.”

The clerk told her that 250.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking with the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay and wrote a check. She handed it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for 50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you 200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[letsboogie351]

POLICE JOKE

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

[emazingli]

LOL with this one! More jokes please! LOL

[letsboogie351]

The Attorney
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a 'stay of execution'. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Ron61]

The Visit to the Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $10,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row because she was so expensive, and that there were no discounts. The price was still $10,000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “ Philadelphia .”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in Philadelphia .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[392cobra]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere ..

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt . Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me come 'splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly--out loud.]

[bliss]

Programmers Logic

A wife asks her husband, a programmer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Rick Parker]

Each Friday night after work Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. Since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass----and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, that is until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement..

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[letsboogie351]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,

the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week!


The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and
saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and
I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does
he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that
much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly,

"In Nevada ... He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno. "

[bliss]

Hillary Clinton visited Egypt yesterday for the first time since the uprising.

When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary"!!

[letsboogie351]

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,
"My wife."

[392cobra]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

[CobraEd]

At age 4, success is . . . not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success is . . . having friends

At age 17, success is . . . having a drivers licence

At age 35, success is . . . having money

At age 50, success is . . . having money

At age 75, success is . . . having a drivers licence

At age 80, success is . . . having friends

At age 85, success is . . . not peeing in your pants



.

[CobraEd]

The Charles Schulz Philosophy - Secrets of Life You Never Thought About



Here’s A Little Quiz:


You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.
Just read the article straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series Winners.


How did you do?

* The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
* These are no second-rate achievers.
* They are the best in their fields.
* But the attention dies.
* Awards tarnish.
* Achievements are forgotten.
* Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.


Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.



Did you find that Easier?


The lesson:

* The people who make a difference in life are not the ones with the most credentials..
* The most money…or the most awards…
* They simply are the ones who care the most




.

[bliss]

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband :

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

[bliss]

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran
into some difficulties while setting it up, so we decided to
call the customer support phone number we found in the
manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered
the phone, and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even
more.

"Sir," I said politely, "can you explain what I should do as
if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said. "Son, could you
please put your mommy on the phone?"

-------

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old rusty, dull knife. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty old knife, are you?" The wife put the knife in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are. I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

[bliss]

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fort...unately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart alack punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

SEMPER FI!!