Jokes

[letsboogie351]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[bliss]

Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:


FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails (and Club Cobra posts).



You hang in there, Sunshine ........

[bliss]

Not at joke....


All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:

** Lord's prayer:........................................... ...............66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: .............................................67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.

** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.

** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words.

** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[letsboogie351]

***** Willows

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the ***** willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

[bliss]

Truths For Mature Adults:


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment, when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection......again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[letsboogie351]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[bliss]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour
lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump woman's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
Room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ...'
And they say blonds are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, 'I am going to make you the
Happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent,
Good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death...
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in
Your bed gasping for breath and calling
Your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from
reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[bliss]

Interesting video of garage art......

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=qybUFnY7Y8w

[letsboogie351]

Loud Music


I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[bliss]

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"

He replied, "1 second."

The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "A penny."

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"

And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
------

The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
The most successful female investor was Pharaoh’s daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.
I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
Always play with other people's money!
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

[bliss]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

[letsboogie351]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of
Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland),
CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at
the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[letsboogie351]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[bliss]

Why (some) athletes can't get better jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."


3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like men. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[letsboogie351]

Timbuktu -
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained
the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
destination - Timbuktu.
The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that, they
thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.

[392cobra]

The Federal Department of Labor offices claimed a small Texas farmer was not paying proper wages to his hired help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
The conversation they had follows
Federal agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board and furnish him a pickup to drive and he charges all his fuel to me. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whis- key every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
Federal agent: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me

[bliss]

How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all
lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los
Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on
brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with
the left blinker on: Florida.

[letsboogie351]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The boob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men starring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Love it!!!

[Aussie Mike]

There’s a knock at the door.

The bloke goes and opens it and there’s 2 police men standing there and one holds up a picture of a woman.

“Is this your wife sir?”

The bloke say’s “Yes, that’s her”

“We’re sorry sir but it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”

“Yes I know, but she’s got a wonderful personality”