Jokes

[392cobra]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the
Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy,clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in a Home Depot store".

[letsboogie351]

Mildred, an influential, attractive 30 year old widow, was the church
gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals.
She kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a young, very
good looking new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing
it there WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He didn't say anything either, but just
turned & walked away.


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house .... walked home . . .and left it there all night.

[letsboogie351]

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

[bliss]

Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a
drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa (skull cap), tzitzis
(undergarment with long strings), and payos (long side curls). He
doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So
Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for
everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing
to the Jewish guy.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the
Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, "Thank you." This
infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for
everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to
worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank
you."

So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that guy over
there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except
that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong
with him or something?"

"Not at all," replies the barman. "He's the owner."

[letsboogie351]

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

You know how to turn a Fox into a Dog?.......Marry it!

[letsboogie351]

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.


"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."


His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."


"No problem," said her husband, "Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

[letsboogie351]

THE IRISH BROTHEL

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of
the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
" Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

[tin-man]

Originally Posted by bliss

Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:


FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails (and Club Cobra posts).



You hang in there, Sunshine ........

Hey I resemble that remark. tin-man

[bliss]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun In one hand, and pulling
a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns, and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere. And then he just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave $h!t for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[bliss]

10 Years From Now:

“Winston, come into the dining room, it’s time to eat,” Julia yelled to her husband.

“In a minute, honey, it’s a tie score,” he answered. Actually Winston wasn’t very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington ..

Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its “unseemly violence”,
Two-hand touch wasn’t nearly as exciting.Yet it wasn’t the game that Winston was uninterested in.

It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce,and mincemeat pie), it wasn’t anything like real turkey.

And ever since the government officially changed the name of “Thanksgiving Day” to “A National Day of Atonement” in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims’ historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold.

Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.

Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment.

“The RHC’s resources are limited”, explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. “Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Ed couldn’t make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials.

Thankfully, Winston’s brother, John, and his wife were flying in.
Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.

Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added “inconvenience” was an “absolute necessity” in order to stay “one step ahead of the terrorists.”

Winston’s own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022.

That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for “unequal scrutiny,” even when probable cause was involved.
Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine.

Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.

“A living Constitution is extremely flexible”, said the Court’s eldest member, Elena Kagan. “ Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example”, she added.

Winston’s thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether.
It didn’t help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being.

Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13.

The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to “spur economic growth.”

This time, they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.

He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life “fair for everyone” realized their full potential.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2011, when all the real nonsense reached a tipping point.

“Maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today if we’d just said ‘enough is enough’ when we had the chance,” he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so…

More News.....

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ...
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Al Gore III banned smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2024.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for
$3225 per gallon and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

NBA players average nine feet seven inches and have only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..

[GoMangoMan]

Will these scams ever stop??? I'm almost worn out trying to see if this one is for real!!!!




Older Men Scam




Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[letsboogie351]

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do
with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way
home from the odd drunken excursions over the years?


Well I for one have done something about it!

Last night I was out for a few drinks with a few friends and had way too
many Wines & a few shooters, knowing full well I was wasted, I did
something I've never done before. I took a Bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise,
since I had never driven a bus before!!

[bliss]

Dating protocol


British WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date:
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier


ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
(No third date)


The POINT?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[letsboogie351]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to
look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[bliss]

You could save a life (not actually a joke)

CPR

(it's a hell of a way to learn)

[bliss]

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who
received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
_____

Not a joke...

Vintage Race Car Crashes on Devour.com

[letsboogie351]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[bliss]

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Jim Bob walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Jim Bob then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said,

"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[bliss]

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore." The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards."
_____

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.
Boy: I know.
Girl: I love you!
Boy: I love you more, much more!

After surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father is next to her bed.

Girl: Where is he?
Father: You don't know who gave you the heart?
Girl: What? (She starts crying)
Father: I'm just kidding, he went to the toilet
_____

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

13. Never squat while wearing your spurs.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.