Jokes

[bliss]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said,

"I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[bliss]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?

The Princess said, "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The End

[bliss]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Beautiful Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so.

[letsboogie351]

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[bliss]

It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can stand on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you...

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.

... and the BEST!

Congressmen should
wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can
identify their corporate sponsors.

[bliss]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids,
all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ....

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,

you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.

"The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have
time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary!

I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[bliss]

So this husband and wife go to his doctor for an annual checkup.

Doc checks out the husband then calls the wife in for a private conference.

Doctor: "Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband has a rare condition. Although he looks and feels fine, he's actually very ill. I don't think we should tell him about it, because the stress could kill him. You need to cook him a gourmet dinner every night, have regular relations with him, and give him a full massage and rub his feet after work every day. He should not be allowed to do any housework or yardwork of any sort. Do not argue with him or cause him any sort of stress, just agree with everything he says. If you don't do this, he'll be dead in less than three months. Do you understand this?

Wife: Yes, Doctor I understand. Thank you.

(they drive home)

Husband: What did the doctor say to you?

Wife: He says you're going to die.
___

Worst job, ever......

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?

" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[letsboogie351]

Girls Weekend
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip.
Shopping, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot
down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they
do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting
in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday
suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
On the Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes!
He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he
said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.

[bliss]

Shortest bedtime story ever.....

[letsboogie351]

Did you hear about the bloke who wore two monocles?
He just wanted to make a complete spectacle of himself.


'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'

'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was president.'

[letsboogie351]

I was at the mall the other day and a teenager came and sat next to me. He had spiked hair in all the colours of the rainbow.

He caught me staring at his hair and sarcastically asked 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

I said yeah, "Got drunk once and slept with a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."

[bliss]

Some good one liners......

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30 am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same, but the ironing is backing up."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor . . . she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my rear! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have to go to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
_____

[letsboogie351]

A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chilli she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea. Being a gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she farted loudly and quickly opened the window and began fanning. She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"

[bliss]

Don't try this at home.....

She said,"I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear....

He said, "Kitchen, bathroom, livingroom...."
_____

In 1872 the Arabs/Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine .....

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat
first.
_____

(I think?) <LOL>

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's @ss came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

So, Horse's @$$es control almost everything...

...Explains a whole lot of things, doesn't it?

[letsboogie351]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed
him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

[bliss]

Tiger Woods' New Caddy - YouTube

[bliss]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.

Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek.

The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".....
_____

"I do not like work even when someone else does it." (Mark Twain)

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." (ditto)

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" (Edgar Bergen)

"Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate." (Dave Barry)

"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done." (Fred Allen)

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful--provided you get between the right man and the right woman." (Woody Allen)

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." (Ernest Benn)

[bliss]

This recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress is looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline, and reached a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[letsboogie351]

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of
the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven
one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"



An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"



A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.



Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

[bliss]

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.