Jokes

[bliss]

Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area
a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

[bliss]

Football player signings in last week's supplemental college draft.
________________________________

Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during
an interview (62 in one minute).
Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee.
________________________________

Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back.
Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions.
He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with
a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Mississippi State.
________________________________

Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell:
6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back.
From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair does a creditable imitation
of Billy Dee Williams.
Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change
colors to chartreuse and pink.
Listed his church preference as "red brick".
Signed with the Louisiana State University.
_____________________________

Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle.
At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. He has a manslaughter trial
pending, but feels he will be found innocent because "The dude
said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma."
On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Signed with the University of Arkansas
________________________________

Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge,"
but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements...
Insists on wearing Number 32 jersey since it matches his score
on his SAT's.
Signed with the University of Alabama.
________________________________

Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none
of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges,
but was also willing to sign with us.
Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.
Signed with University of Georgia
________________________________

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10",305 lbs. Guard.
Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville...
Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" (nor the meaning of many other words, either).
Signed with the University of Florida.
____________________________________

Welcome all to higher education.
_____

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective
nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington


I looked this up and it's VERY true! Other terms used to describe a group of Baboons are: Troop, Tribe, and Flange.

I think Congress is by far the best description.

[bliss]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
_____

Not a joke.....

These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease.. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!

This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions CAREFULLY ! It's harder than it seems, as it should be!


A brain waker-upper for today! CLICK BELOW:

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

[392cobra]

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching from my bedroom window while my neighbor's wife was sunbathing topless.

As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.

Is she a pervert?

[bliss]

I think a retired English teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end................
This took a lot of work to put together!
You think English is easy??


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One Kleenex, 2 Kleeneses, One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..........

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!

[letsboogie351]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Coles. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Coles.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Coles.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Coles, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Coles!

[bliss]

To date, these are the statistics on TSA Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blonds 3
________

Where is Qaddafi?

[bliss]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for
a new one to hire. A retired pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply
for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured
in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the
room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old,
three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[bliss]

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

[bliss]

A teacher asks the class to name something that end with tor and eats things. So the first little boy says, Alligator. Very good Peter, that's a big word. The second boy says, Predator. Yes, that's another big word, Tommy. Well done. Little Johnny says, Vibrator. After nearly falling off her chair, she says, That is a big word Little Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything. Little Johnny replies Well, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

[letsboogie351]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[bliss]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
_____

[letsboogie351]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[bliss]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday...minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud would be Terrorists shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me.
The light changed, the would be Terrorists shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today...bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver...

[392cobra]

The Red Cross just knocked at my door and asked if I could help with
the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my garden hose only
reaches to the end of my driveway.

[bliss]

How hot was it today? It was so hot...
well, I can't tell you. I'll just
have to show you.

http://dotcomjoe.com/0906f3

[bliss]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
___

[letsboogie351]

A woman must have the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow
away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[bliss]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.

Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.’’ She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies’’. The man standing next to her says, ‘’You go to Dr. Smith?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ she said, ‘’how did you know?’’ He replies ‘’Hickory dickory dock!’’
______

DEEP THOUGHTS

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
—Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”.
—Author Unknown

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
—Drew Carey

4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
—Rod Stewart

5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
—Jeff Foxworthy

6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
—Unknown (presumed deceased)

7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
—Dave Barry

8) What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
—Marilyn Pittman

9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
—Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
—Paula Poundstone

11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien

12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”
—Lynda Montgomery

13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
—Richard Jeni

14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
—Johnny Carson

15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

-Paul Rodriguez

16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld

17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
—Warren Hutcherson

18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
—Oscar Wilde

19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
—Mark Twain

20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student At least they can find Afghanistan!
—A. Whitney Brown

21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
—Robin Williams

22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
—Roseanne

23) Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal

24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
—Dave Barry

[bliss]

Don't forget to close the door.....

http://i.imgur.com/qlwxR.gif

A man called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest..."It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"