Jokes

[bliss]

[letsboogie351]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA

Quick Assembly

* Lesbian Beds *

No nuts or screwing involved.

It 's all tongue and groove!!

[392cobra]

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims
invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[bliss]

Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment! " says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment yes!"

[bliss]

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls!

[bliss]

Would this be considered vehicle harassment?

[bliss]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
_____

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

[Buzz]

Originally Posted by bliss

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

You'd probably enjoy being in Communicado - It's a really quiet little Mexican place (not far from Cognito) where you don't have to answer your phone or speak to anyone to whom you owe money, favors or explanations. In fact it's the perfect place to disappear to after you've been seen in Flagrante Delicto.

[letsboogie351]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Jerry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Jerry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the Post Office"

[bliss]

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss
on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the
nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied,
"Guess where?"

[letsboogie351]

The wife and I were walking one night and we passed this fancy new restaurant.

She says to me, "Did you smell that food? Mmmmm ,Incredible!"

Being the nice bloke that I am I thought, "Let's give her a treat."

So we walked past it again.

[bliss]

You don't need expensive tools.....Just a guy making chess pieces. [VIDEO]

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers.
_____

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

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PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.
___

Neat trick....Biertijd.com // Media » Tablecloth Trick

[bliss]

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to
talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,
he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early
80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get
married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy
yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of
Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do
have seem like forever."
_____

This could be a problem next month....A Merry Hunt - YouTube

[letsboogie351]

Two Aussie fellas in a locker room were taking a shower after their game of footy, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I can't, lamented the first fella. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'
'I don't understand,' said the other, 'how on earth?'
The first fella says, 'I was walking along Russell Street, and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and an Akubra hat appeared. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie, I can grant you one wish.'
I said, 'No sh*t?'

[bliss]

Occupy-worthy complaints.......

We always hear about problems with third world countries. What about the greatest social problems in first world countries?

"My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I have to tilt it."

"I didn't have a lousy childhood, so I can't turn my pain into art."

"I had too much food for lunch and now I'm tired."

"I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom and I was bored the whole time."

"I'm kind of hungry, but my roommate has guests over so if I go into the kitchen I'll have to introduce myself."

"My laptop battery is low, but the charger is way over there."

"The Domino Pizza Tracker app is not working, so I don't know when to put my pants on."

"I can't hear the TV while I'm eating crunchy snacks."

"I'm trying to text while at a red light, but I keep making all the greens."

"My GPS made me drive through the ghetto."

"I have to find my own girlfriend because my culture doesn't practice arranged marriages."

[letsboogie351]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically
calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a
heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please
help me! All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This
is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through
it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice
from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father.. . Who art in Heaven.

[tcrist]

Who knew?



Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so
large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[bliss]

Government Motors

My neighbors daughter is walking home from school yesterday, a car pulls alongside, a man ask her to go for a ride, he will give her a candy bar, no thanks....asks again, offers two candy bars, still no...one more time candy and coke, finally, she stops, looks at the man and says " look dad, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it !!!!"
_____

I woke up this morning, got dressed, and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
_____

I thought this had to be fake — it’s real — I checked — just amazing

This is Einstein . . .

This is Einstein! - YouTube

[letsboogie351]

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetricians office. After the exam she shyly says, "My husband wants to know..."
The doctor butts in and says "I know, I know" placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late into the pregnancy."
"No, thats not it" she replies, "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn!"

A trucker who has been on the road for 3 months stops at a brothel outside of Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, places $500 in her hand & says, "I want your ugliest woman & a black pudding sandwich!"
"But sir" she replies, "For that kind of money you can have one of my finest ladies & a 3 course meal".
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I aint horny, I'm homesick!"


I've started a new alcohol diet... It's really great! I've lost 3 days in the 1st week.


Man: "Bless me father for I have sinned with 7 different women last night"
Priest: "Squeeze 7 lemons & drink the juice"
Man: "Will I be forgiven?"
Preist: "No, but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"


Definition of bravery:
Coming home drunk, covered in lipstik & smelling of perfume then slapping your wife on the bum & saying, "You're next fatty!"


I was just reading an article on the dangers of drinking too much alcohol. It scared the hell out of me, so i've decided from now on there will be no more reading for me!

[letsboogie351]

While creating wives, God promised men that obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.