Jokes

[bliss]

Interesting Christmas card.....

[bliss]

I was standing in a bar in Fort Worth and this little Japanese guy comes in and stands next to me.
Some time passed, and I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Japanee?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little prick."

[bliss]

A California love story.....

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"



I told you it was a California Love Story
_______

[bliss]

What happens when engineers own dogs. [VIDEO]

[bliss]

Christmas carols for the disturbed:

* 1. Schizophrenia-— Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder-— We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia-— I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic -—Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5.Manic -— Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid-— Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder-— Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder-— You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

* 9.Attention Deficit Disorder -— Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
_____

[bliss]

Father O'Malley answers the phone...

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"

(pause)

"He will."
_____

Dear Santa,

Since you have no need of it for another year now, may I please have your list of all the naughty girls?

[bliss]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, (not to imply that the USA is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee or others, is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards, (without prejudice)

Name withheld, (Privacy Act)

[bliss]

On-line tutorials....

Briefly stated I hate them. They're usually given by some foreign guy
with a bad accent and worse acoustics. I prefer the silent ones where
where rather than shoe-n-tell, it's just show. For example, take this one about how to peel a banana with your feet.

http://dotcomjoe.com/1229f2

The perfect man and woman

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

[Joe Wicked]

LOL at the perfect man and woman.

[bliss]

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.


2009 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.


2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not sit still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.



Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt..


1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario 5:


Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.


2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.


1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.



2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.


2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.
Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario 8:

Wally falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Nancy. Nancy hugs him to comfort him.


1957 - In a short time, Wally feels better and goes on playing.


2009 - Nancy is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison... Wally undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[bliss]

[bliss]

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly
clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and
ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn
out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had
ever seen.

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes
and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one
greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern
lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him
and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here
again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be
appropriate attire for worship here."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same
ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to
speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be
for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.
He says He's never been in this church before."

[letsboogie351]

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."



"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"


Bob replied: " Wrong room ."

[bliss]

Husband asks wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

Wife replies, "I would take half the money and leave you."

Husband responds, "Good: I just won twelve bucks, here's six, now get the hell out!"
_____

[392cobra]

Wife: My Gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks.

Husband : What did your Dentist say ?

[bliss]

If there are 4 of you in a bed it's a foursome.
If there are 3 of you in a bed it's a threesome.

If you are on your own in bed are you handsome?
_____

[letsboogie351]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[bliss]

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

[bliss]

THE 2011 Darwin Awards WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!

The rest......Let The Strangeness Begin - 2011 Darwin Awards

[dave from mesa]