Jokes

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

THE 2011 Darwin Awards WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!

The rest......Let The Strangeness Begin - 2011 Darwin Awards

That old saw has been going around for 30 years.....snopes.com: JATO Car Embedded in Cliff

[392cobra]

Originally Posted by Mark IV

That old saw has been going around for 30 years.....snopes.com: JATO Car Embedded in Cliff

Texas Story Telling - Rule #1

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

[392cobra]

The Male Cycle



When I was 15, I hoped I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 18, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

Then I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[bliss]

If you are over 25 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test


How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S











| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert

[bliss]

Spelling errors can ruin your life....

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...

"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her."

The trial begins on Monday.
_____

GUIDO, the ITALIAN LOVER

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing
at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You
finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they
end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I'm Norwegian."
____

Not a joke but awesome....

Wreck Diving the Mysterious Ghost Fleet of Truk Lagoon [33 PICS]

[letsboogie351]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

[bliss]

My neighbor.....

She's single...She's hot

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have

this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all

night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

[letsboogie351]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[bliss]

A reform congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl lying nude on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you!

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking, where'*s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very, very angry with you. You have not heard the end of this!"


The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[bliss]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Peoria, Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL
drinks 10 cents". They look at each other and then go in, thinking,
This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and
haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor,
beer... it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been
there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Sun City. They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
______

julienki, Kate Upton in Slow Motion
_____

[letsboogie351]

When my boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't

stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

[bliss]

2011 Year-end statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security.


* Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

* Transvestites 133

* Enlarged Prostates 8,249

* Breast Implants 59,350

* Natural Blondes 3

[bliss]

Honesty.....

http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/167...RFKGGmS-X3.jpg
_____

[bliss]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in

Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.


The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no

woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly

pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican

woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely

'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he

could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican

woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable'

tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able

to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican

woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,

yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both

came to the same conclusion. Apparently, Tiger

Woods was right, when he said, 'Your pecker gets

harder when you're away from home.'
_____

An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.
But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over
dinner about whether it would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked,
rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd
have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or
two?"

[bliss]

Obviously from my crude, insensitive brother:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . .. . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Bonus material

He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .. You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said, That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[bliss]

Best cartoon ever........

[bliss]

After his retirement Sir Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship."There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" - said Churchill.

"First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And third, in case of an emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first."
_____

Clovis is passing by Boudreaux's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Boudreaux doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Clovis rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Boudreaux?"

"Good grief, Clovis, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Boudreaux.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

[bliss]

I was reading the information sheet that came with my new
prescription when it came to me: Why are there never any
good side effects? Just once I'd like to read the label on a
medication bottle that says:

Warning: "May cause extreme sexiness."
_____

[392cobra]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights
being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective
Boudreaux to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree
main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de
Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in
person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in
the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved
when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was
involved?"

"De duck won."

[392cobra]

Elton John & David's Baby


They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."