Jokes

[bliss]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-



"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. ..and in Australia and New Zealand they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
_____

[bliss]

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit
your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway,
leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball,
slicing it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent
look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends,
your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find
it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet
from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent
exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out
of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from
the hole.

With that said, the "what if" question is:

What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?
_____

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If she asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So: Why do men die first? Because they want to.

[bliss]

Irrefutable proof that a "good" woman can provide balance and stability in your life.....

http://dotcomjoe.com/0209f2

[bliss]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When......

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2.. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
_____

Men Can Fix Anything

[bliss]

Two friends, a blonde, and a redhead are walking down the street.

They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase.."

[bliss]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my
penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well,
she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my rear. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always
pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew, four thousand terrorists friended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we
could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to,
but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.

[kevins2]

I was walking along a sidewalk past a mental institution and could hear some of the patients out on the grounds. They were chanting "Thirteen!...Thirteen!...Thirteen!...". I couldn't see what they were doing because of the high wall around this place. As I walked along, they were still chanting away - "Thirteen...Thirteen!..." I came across a small hole in the wall so, naturally, I peeked in to see what was going on. When I did, someone poked me in the eye with a stick. I could still hear them all chanting "Fourteen!...Fourteen!...Fourteen!..."

[bliss]

I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go ahead then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
_____

[bliss]

Not safe for work.....

Nothing To Hide - AmpLand Humor

[392cobra]

Comanche Quest

Original ad:
looking for a jeep comanche. must be running and in good condition. can pay up to $500. offers for other trucks will be ignored.

E-mails from an Asshole

[bliss]

If you've ever jumped out of a plane, you'll probably enjoy this one. If you have a fear of heights... you may want to skip this video. I'd pass on this one....

http://edge.liveleak.com/80281E/u/u/...0365%26embed=1
_____


Guy dies and gets to the Pearly Gates. There are two gates to get into Heaven. One has a sign over it that says "For Men who's Wives tell them what to Do". There is a long , long, long line . So the man goes to the Gate that says "For Men Who Tell there Wives What to do." Nobody else is in line. St. Peter comes to the second gate and observes that the other line goes as far as the eye can see, but this guy is the only one in the second line. He asks the man to tell him how he managed that. The Guy replies; "Don't ask me. My wife told me to stand here."

[Joe Wicked]

I have seen the climbing video before, but it is awesome none the less. I consider myself pretty brave at things, but I don't know that I could do that.

[bliss]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter.

Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
_____

James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
_____

Frances Dilorinzo - Homemade Implants

[bliss]

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

[bliss]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied...
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old :
‘And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?’ the reporter asked..
Answer: No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’

[bliss]

Happy President's Day.....

[bliss]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
____

A Methodist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[bliss]

Mans best friend?

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible........


No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
____

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishment, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...







..you f*ckin mosquito!

[bliss]

Q&A form AARP....

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going thru menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.



Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[bliss]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
_____

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES

HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?