Jokes

[bliss]

My trip to the store......


There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[bliss]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Geez, this is a great country!
_____

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_____

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
Little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
You believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
Gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
Breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age.. While her mother smiled with pride the little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..." At that point they had to pick her Mom up off the floor...


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[letsboogie351]

An old bloke knocked on the door of a local brothel.
"What can I do for you, old mate?" asked the madam who opened the door.
"I want a girl," the old bloke replied,
"For you it'll cost $100," she said.
"You're putting me on!" the old bloke exclaimed.
"Nah," the madam replied. "That'll cost an extra $10!"

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to
walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

[letsboogie351]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

[bliss]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

[bliss]

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"
_____

We were sitting at the dinner table one night watching Wheel of Fortune when Pat started his introduction of the contestants, all women.
"I'm married to my handsome husband of 45 years," says the first contestant.
"I've been married to my wonderful husband for 12 years," says the second contestant.
"I'm married to an amazing man who is here in the audience today," says the third contestant.
Well ... Handsome is subjective. But I had to know.
"What's the difference between a wonderful husband and an amazing husband?" I asked my wife.
Without missing a beat she replies, "Ohhhh about 3 inches."
I was shocked my wife would say something like that, but after a bit of thought I asked, "So ... am I wonderful or amazing?"
She looked at me over top of her spoon and touched me lightly on the arm. You are handsome dear now eat your soup It's getting cold.
_____

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Finally the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"

[bliss]

Incredibly scary amusement park ride in Russia.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you--you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are
brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and
says, "Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

[bliss]

In the dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the fortune teller delivered the bad news. "There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a quick, violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the Tarot cards, the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths to try to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked: "Will I get away with it???"

[bliss]

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"


MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
_____

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man,
was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,

" Excuse me, do you speak English ?

Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do "

The lady then asked,
" What do you charge to do yard work ? "

Lee said,
" Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[bliss]

A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

She smiled and thanked her Dentist. After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled.

[bliss]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a
good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[bliss]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair

2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out

Put your tongue back in fool.
_____

10 THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU...

1) U are reading this.
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

[bliss]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[bliss]

An old woman was dying. She summoned her husband to her bedside and asked, "How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," he replied.
"Does that include the hearse?"
"Yes."
"Four is too many. Cancel one."
"Whatever you say, darling."
"And I want you to promise me something else."
"Anything, darling."
"I want you and my mother to travel in the same car."
"But you know we haven't spoken to each other in ten years..."
"I know, but it's what I want. Now promise me you'll do it."
"Well, okay, I'll do it, but let me tell you now, it's going to ruin my whole day."

[letsboogie351]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST
WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in America are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[bliss]

Very over protective father....



Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

[bliss]

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

[letsboogie351]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing

which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....Doctor; stopping her:

"No! No! Please put on your clothes.

Just show me your tongue."

[bliss]

Ten best caddy responses......

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"


Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."


Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."


Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."


Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."


Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."


Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."


And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."



Bonus . . . . .

An old favorite About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy.
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems ??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of sh!t on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, its at the other end."

[bliss]

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?"

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me."