Jokes

[bliss]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
_____

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the lady all dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the man wearing black?"
_____

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..