Jokes

[bliss]

You know a woman has PMS when.....

* She stops reading Glamor and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
* She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
* She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
* She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
* She retains more water than Lake Superior.
* She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
* She buys you a new T-shirt -with a bulls-eye on the front.
* You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
* She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
* She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

[letsboogie351]

Wife by text to husband at work ............



"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!




Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

[bliss]

----- Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[letsboogie351]

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track
waiting for the train to come".
All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .


Not to be put off I tried again............

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q"
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.




Male Date-Drug
(be sure to watch the short video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them


A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf /Bowls Clubs' in the phone book.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.


For a video to see how Beer works visit:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[bliss]

Video: The Italian Carpool Lane

[bliss]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[bliss]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”
_____

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and legs. An English, Irish, and Scottish woman going past felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Irish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?' The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
_____

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one." said the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in
her ear: Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[bliss]

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

[bliss]

Winner of the wet t-shirt contest.....

[bliss]

[bliss]

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"


I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[bliss]

Recently, at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...

"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one
person who has made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
_____

[letsboogie351]

An Arab entered a taxi in Melbourne.


Once he was seated he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because
he was not permitted to hear music other than that decreed by his
religion.
In the time of the Prophet, there was no radio and certainly
no music, he explained, especially Western music which is the music of
infidels.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the back door.

The Arab asked him: What are you doing, man?

The cabby answered: Abdul, In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis.
Get out and wait for a camel.

[bliss]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.


Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
______

RULES FOR MEN

The Female always makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

The Female is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

(If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

[letsboogie351]

I woke up last week to find a West Indian shoved through my letter box.
The next day it was a Nigerian, followed the day after by a Jamaican,
I think I'm being blackmailed.


A mechanic was removing the cylinder-head from the engine of a car he was repairing, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working under the bonnet.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.'

So how come I make £25 grand a year and you make £500 grand when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...


'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[bliss]

Subject: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

a.. Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
b.. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
c.. Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
d.. Catholic: None. Candles only.
e.. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
f.. Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
g.. Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
h.. Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
i.. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
j.. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
k.. Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
l.. Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
m.. Amish: What's a light bulb?

[bliss]

"9-1-1. What is your emergency?"

"I'm calling to report a robbery!"

"Where are you, sir?"

"Shell station over on Oaklandon Avenue."

"Is the victim near you, sir?"

"Ma'am, I AM the victim."

"Oh, I see. Are you injured?"

"No. Just got the hell robbed outta' me!"

"How much money was stolen from you?"

"More than $75."

"Can you describe the offender, sir?"

"Sure can. Pump number 3."
_____

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

[bliss]

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
_____

MONEY

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS AND CREDIT CARDS (MASTERCARD, VISA, SWITCH).
_____

Scary accident video....

Vidvir

[bliss]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you!"
_____

[bliss]

Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
_____

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
_____