Jokes

[bliss]

SAUSAGE MEAT MACHINE
People are SO gullible....
(and it doesn't matter if you can't understand Italian)

Hilarious! people buying fresh meat - YouTube

Life Lessons- author unknown:

NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted

NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still
can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
of nothing.

NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut
saves you $30.00?

NUMBER 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.

As someone recently said to me . . .
“Don’t worry about old age—it doesn’t last that long”.

[bliss]

Southern Comments....

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."


Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"


Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."


The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."



Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."



Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"


Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
_____

New boots!!

A longtime married couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "NOPE."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "NOPE".

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a
hat."

[bliss]

What a gorgeous day! Sunshine, temps in the mid 70's, light off-shore breeze...
perfect time to take a new boat out for a shakedown cruise. The sea was a bit
rough, so passengers were told to hold on for a choppy ride.



Life of a man....