Jokes

[bliss]

You Know You Live in CA, NYC, NY, CO, Deep South;

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.



You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2."Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.



You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[letsboogie351]

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"


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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"


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[bliss]

The Air Force found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

[letsboogie351]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[bliss]

In the world of computers and cell phones, It's been noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?
_____

12 Off-the-Wall Tweets About "Titanic"

Seeing is believing, so goes the old saying. Well, I saw and it's still hard to believe! Flat brainwaves reach the next level.

http://i.imgur.com/0sZn6.png

[bliss]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
_____

A couple I know were at my house, I had a few friends over. The couple told us that they
have 4 sons and needed advice on how to get a daughter.
Friend#1: Keep trying!
Friend#2: Change your Doctor!
Friend#3: Follow a special diet.
Friend#4: Practice yoga!
But apparently my “Let me try” wasn’t very good advice.
______

I went into the kitchen this morning and found my wife face down not breathing. I panicked! Didn’t know what to do!!!!!!
Then I remembered Mcdonalds does breakfast till 10:30!
_____

My wife asked me to act out my wildest fantasies. So I filed for divorce.
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JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business

[bliss]

Not a joke, but humorous nonetheless...

Michael "Flathead" Blanchard
Blanchard, Michael "Flathead"
1944 ~ 2012
A Celebration of the life of Michael "Flathead" Blanchard will be held on April 14th, 3 pm 8160 Rosemary St, Commerce City. Weary of reading obituaries noting someone's courageous battle with death, Mike wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors' orders and raising hell for more than six decades. He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died.
Mike was born July 1944 in Colorado to Clyde and Ethel Blanchard. A community activist, he is noted for saving the Dr. Justina Ford house from demolition and defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a Republican delegate, life member of the NRA, founder and President of the Dead Cats MC. He loved music.

Mike was preceded in death by Clyde and Ethel Blanchard, survived by his beloved sons Mike and Chopper, former wife Jane Transue, brother Stephen Blanchard (Susan), Uncle Don and Aunt Cynthia Blanchard(his favorite); Uncle Dill and Aunt Dot, cousins and nephews, Baba Yaga can kiss his butt. So many of his childhood friends that weren't killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats. He asks that you stop by and re-tell the stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain Adult material we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.


Published in Denver Post on April 12, 2012
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "twinkie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, and the pool man.
_____

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...

[letsboogie351]

A lion at the zoo was sitting there licking his bum
A visitor says to the keeper "That doesn't look very vicious to me"
"Well he is" replied the zoo keeper. "he just grabbed a pommy tourist, dragged him through the fence and ate him"
"is that so" replied the vistor. "He seems pretty casual to me, why is he licking his arse"?
The zoo keeper says "he's trying to get rid of the horrible taste in his mouth"

[bliss]

You want drama?

A DRAMATIC SURPRISE ON A QUIET SQUARE - YouTube
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Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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[letsboogie351]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, good looking, I
screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked
or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me.? I've
been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Budweiser he beats me up."

Doctor: "Does he beat you every night?"

Woman: "No, just when he comes home drunk on Budweiser".

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Budweiser, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Budweiser stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Budweiser, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[bliss]

Never mind.

[letsboogie351]

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"


What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.


An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed coffin at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life? "The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

[bliss]

Difference between lateral and logical thinking

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.

Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.

What would you have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

[letsboogie351]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

[bliss]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?"
_____

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
_____

[bliss]

How To Talk Southern......

Ah
The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
Ast
To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad."
Attair
Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"
Awl
An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl
What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Bleeve
Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."
Cent
Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
Co-cola
The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
Cyst
To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
Dayum
A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
Everwhichways
To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.
Far
A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares
The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Good ole boy
Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. "Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts
What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."
Hale
Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."
Hep
To aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
Idinit
Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Jew
Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"
Kumpny
Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
Law
Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
Likker
Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. "Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash
To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige
Thank you. "Muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun
Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
Ovair
In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."
Phraisin
Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plum
Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch
To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."
Saar
The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay
A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
Sinner
Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
Sugar
A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred
Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns
A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."
Uhmurkin
Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
War
Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Whup
To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."
Yankee shot
A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
Zat
Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

[bliss]

"Jesus loves you" is always a good thing to hear....unless you are in a Mexican jail.
_____




A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”