Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

One Saturday night, I met this fantastic looking blonde babe in a glitzy single's bar. Quite naturally, one thing lead to another over the course of the evening.

It was getting close to last call, so I finally worked up the nerve and said to her, "Let's go back to my place."

The gorgeous blonde asked, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I answered, "No. But I have some old ropes that should do just fine."
_____

[69boss429]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly






A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

[dave from mesa]

[bliss]

Mommy finished telling her little girl all about the making of babies.

The daughter was silent for a while taking it all in.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asked.

"Yes," replied her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaimed. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
_____

Little Johnny is seven years old and is sitting at the dinner table with his parents.

Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie are going to get married!"

"Oh?" Says the mother, "and how old is Janie?"

"Five," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"

"I get fifteen cents a week allowance," says Johnny, "and Janie gets ten cents. We figured if we put it together we would be okay."

"I see, "says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"

"Well," says Johnny, "so far we have been lucky."
_____

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

"Allow me to explain," said his wife. "God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[bliss]

Husband (A Doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

[letsboogie351]

What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.


Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true? Where is it?
Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...."


LET US OFFEND EVERYONE!Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for Christ's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not bloody listening'
_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and pisses off.

__________________________________________________

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

__________________________________________________ _

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it back inside.

__________________________________________________ __

Woman goes into a shoe shop ...

__________________________________________________ ____

My Favorite...... Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you bastard'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up the other way but you said, 'Bugger off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

[bliss]

Male Cancer Aware Month

[bliss]

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he may have called the Navy Seals himself!
_____

Jesse Jackson was in Sears.

He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white.

So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"

Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact That most of them were white.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, You'll see that all the agitators are black."
_____

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[bliss]

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the penitent.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!" The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"

With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."

The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber.

[letsboogie351]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between ‘C’ and ‘D’, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

[bliss]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my Sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"
_____

A Cowboy walks into a drug store.............


Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

[bliss]

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

[bliss]

So the little boy comes home late from school. Mom asks why late? Was having sex with teacher. Mom says don't lie to me, go to your room and wait for a whipping from your father when he gets home from work.

Dad arrives home and the wife says the son made up an excuse about having sex with his teacher. Dad asks if it is true? Yes, the son says. Alright! says Dad. You're a chip off the old block. Let's go ride our bikes and you can tell me all about it.

Not now, Dad, my butt still hurts.
_____

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
_____

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she's in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."

Giddy up the day

[bliss]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my Sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"

[letsboogie351]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

[bliss]

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR
_____



The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

[letsboogie351]

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney, when he saw a little girl in a paddock with a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, (not being aware that the guy was english) and after the bull was dead he rushed over to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline.
It reads POMMY BASTARD KILLS CHILDS PET.

[bliss]

Hey have you guys heard? Rosie O donnell drowned last night.
.
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They found her face down in Ricki Lake.

[bliss]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'