Jokes

[bliss]

Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say……"LOOK, HE’S MOVING."
_____

THE REDNECK VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia, Florida.

[bliss]

The difference in talking nasty......

Q - What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A - Sexual harassment

Q - What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A - $3.99 a minute
_____

Before marriage…………

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After marriage…. simply read from bottom to top

[bliss]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[bliss]

We're all doomed....

[letsboogie351]

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"

[bliss]

Difficult phone call...

[bliss]

Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

[bliss]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow four inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
You gotta follow the recipe and men don't listen!!!

[bliss]

Once upon a time, a Handsome Prince asked a Beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Handsome Prince lived happily ever after,
and rode motorcycles,
and banged skinny long-legged big-breasted chicks,
and hunted and fished,
and raced cars.

He went to nudie bars,
and dated women half his age,
and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan,
and never heard *****ing,
and never paid child support or alimony,
and banged cheerleaders.

He kept his castle and guns,
and ate spam and potato chips and beans whenever he wanted,
and blew enormous farts,
and never got cheated on while he was at work.

All his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell,
and he had tons of money in the bank,
and left the toilet seat up all the time.

And he lived, of course, very happily ever after.

THE END.

[bliss]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

[bliss]

ZEN Teachings.....

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[letsboogie351]

One day, Bill was shooting ducks out on the border of New South Wales and Victoria
He was having a really good day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks when a park ranger came up to him.

"Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore mate." said the ranger.

"I shot these ducks in New South Wales!" Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, "Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i'll be able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales."

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight up the ducks arse.
He then sniffed his finger and called back, "That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second one."

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purley out of interest.
The ranger did the same routine again, and when he sniffed his finger, he called back,

"This duck is from Victoria, im going to have to report you."

"You're kidding aren't you mate" said Bill "You can't possibly tell from that!"

"Trust me, im an expert" calls the ranger "Now, what was your name?"

"Bill Smith"

"And where are you from Bill?"

"Richmond"

"Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?"

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and called back

"You're the expert, you tell me!"

[bliss]

[letsboogie351]

Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel
for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.


He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,



"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[bliss]

Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper:
----------------------------------------------------

FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.

----------------------------------------------------


MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
_____

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well..... In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those *****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER.'_
_____

A plea......

[letsboogie351]

Motorblok demontage - YouTube

how to remove your engine

[bliss]

Good, Better, Best

GOOD: A Houma, Louisiana policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans, Louisiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
_____

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sally replied, "That's me before the operation."

[bliss]

How to Save the Airlines....

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't other people think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bliss

[bliss]

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.

The last question was:...
"Where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa ........
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship………
_____

A mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.

"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."

"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the Principal."
_____

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

And the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

[bliss]

The real meaning of MPH- The Original - YouTube

And, she probably is old enough to vote!