Jokes

[bliss]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Geez, this is a great country!
_____

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_____

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
Little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
You believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
Gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
Breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age.. While her mother smiled with pride the little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..." At that point they had to pick her Mom up off the floor...


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?