Jokes

[bliss]

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"


MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
_____

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man,
was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,

" Excuse me, do you speak English ?

Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do "

The lady then asked,
" What do you charge to do yard work ? "

Lee said,
" Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[bliss]

A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

She smiled and thanked her Dentist. After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled.

[bliss]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a
good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[bliss]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair

2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out

Put your tongue back in fool.
_____

10 THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU...

1) U are reading this.
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

[bliss]

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
_____

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat filling out a crossword puzzle. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

"And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's doing a crossword puzzle."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch, smiled, and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

[bliss]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
____

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we
get home later, I'm going to make you f***ing pay for this!"



For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.



Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.
_____

An elderly couple goes to a marriage councilor to work out their problems. During the session, the wife says to the husband, "Look at that fat belly. If it was on a young woman, she'd be pregnant!" To which the husband coyly replies, "It was and she is!"

[bliss]

WORRYING REALLY WORKS

Worrying really works. 95% of the things I worry about never happen.
_____

An elderly woman in her 80's is speeding down the highway a state trooper behind her with his lights flashing she pulls over to the side of the road,

The trooper comes up the drivers side window and asks her for her drivers license and insurance card,

she hands the cards over to the trooper and he notices a concealed gun license with the cards, he steps back a little and asks the elderly woman if she has any weapons in the car,

she tells the trooper that she has a 38 in her purse, he asks if that was all?

she replies that she also has a 45 in the console,

and once again he ask her if that was all?

and she replies once again that she has a glock in the glove compartment.

the trooper then ask her what she's afraid of?

and she replies not a f...ing thing.