Jokes

[bliss]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[bliss]

An old woman was dying. She summoned her husband to her bedside and asked, "How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," he replied.
"Does that include the hearse?"
"Yes."
"Four is too many. Cancel one."
"Whatever you say, darling."
"And I want you to promise me something else."
"Anything, darling."
"I want you and my mother to travel in the same car."
"But you know we haven't spoken to each other in ten years..."
"I know, but it's what I want. Now promise me you'll do it."
"Well, okay, I'll do it, but let me tell you now, it's going to ruin my whole day."

[letsboogie351]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST
WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in America are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[bliss]

Very over protective father....



Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

[bliss]

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

[letsboogie351]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing

which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....Doctor; stopping her:

"No! No! Please put on your clothes.

Just show me your tongue."

[bliss]

Ten best caddy responses......

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"


Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."


Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."


Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."


Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."


Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."


Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."


And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."



Bonus . . . . .

An old favorite About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy.
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems ??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of sh!t on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, its at the other end."

[bliss]

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?"

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me."

[bliss]

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?" About 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!" Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'goats'!"

[bliss]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[bliss]

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the
night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat
and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He
wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the
time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a farmer?" she is asked.

"Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was
too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

[bliss]

I was so close to getting off with a speeding ticket the other day. I told the female officer she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Blushing with a huge grin she said 'thank you very much'. To which I replied 'and that's not the booze talking either'.
_____

[letsboogie351]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off..

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'



The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[bliss]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen ass@ole, don't ***** at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[bliss]

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Excuses for Speeding
Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:
· My gas petal got stuck.
· Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?
· I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off.
· My speedometer is broken.
· I had a bee in my car.
· I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.
· I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.)
· (After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.)
· I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me?
· I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.
· I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more.
· My doctor gave me the wrong medication.
· I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.
· I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving

[bliss]

Someone drunk? Here's how to help.....

http://i.minus.com/ixLGteJDRaOFA.gif


"What´s that drink you´re mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil´ Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What´s in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.

[bliss]

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?"

He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!"

[bliss]

[bliss]

Old Jewish joke...



...an old Jewish man:


An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[bliss]

This Is how the border between India and Pakistan is closed every evening!!
This is not a Monty Python comedy skit, but it does resemble one.
Keep in mind that each of these countries have nuclear weapons!!!

click below:
How the border between India and Pakistan is closed, every day. [VIDEO]

Also......