Jokes

[bliss]

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
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Whats the difference between light and hard????



Men can sleep with a light on!!!!!
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The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said “well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor”. “Well , what did he want to do?” They all asked. She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”.

“Finally I said, well how much do you have”? The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?”

I loaned him $75!” she said.

[bliss]

A young korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"Thats disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog."the guy claims.

"Don't blame the dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'


Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'


Sally replied, 'No... salty.
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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,

gets in the car and fu%^s off.

[bliss]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chocolate in hand - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[bliss]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[bliss]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[bliss]

Available on Craigslist.....

1962 International rat rod?
Date: 2012-06-21, 11:24AM EDT

for sale 1962 international truckcar, has every optional that a car could have ,has frontwheel drive driveline disk brakes all around , has air bags that are in working order has oldsmobile dash with tilt cruise , power seats , air -did work but i low of freon due from setting -can drive it anywhere, every light works as well as new cab lights allready has grandam door handles installed and work great, has alloy wheels and this truck has a good title which is titled as a international, has a grand am rear with the original duel exhaust, car is fuel injected and there are no check engine lights on?everthing is in working order but the aircondition is low of freon call if interested to much to list lots of time put in this car , have to many other projects to ,do so call 555 555 5555 -no emails please -price is firm -have probly twice as much invested .-this vehicle will be sold where is as is...thanks

[bliss]

Also, available....

[bliss]

Paraprosdokians.....

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.


Furious, she screams,
"You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"
The husband replies,
"For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........"

[bliss]

Plumper crack solution....

[bliss]

[bliss]

A male senior citizen poem...

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

[bliss]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[bliss]

Monks

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

.. But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
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On their 40th anniversary the husband was asked to stand up and give his
friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?"

He responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of
all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint,
forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed
if you'd stayed single."

[bliss]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book

. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like *****cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"''

[bliss]

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."
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[bliss]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
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A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
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The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
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A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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A Texas sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

[bliss]

Gull and Balls.....

I can't describe it, you just gotta see it.

http://dotcomjoe.com/Gull_with_balls.wmv
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First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice:
“What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the
sand box.” Teacher says ”that's good. Go to the blackboard,
and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a
fresh-baked cookie.”
She does and gets cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I
played with Alice in the sandbox.” Teacher says, “Good.
If you write 'Box” correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you
a fresh baked cookie.”
Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at
recess. He says, ”I tried to play with Alice and Billy,
but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you?
That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination'
I'll give you a cookie.”

[bliss]

Dangerous food...

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."
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A guy is driving along and encounters a police roadblock
He stops and rolls down the window and asks a policeman what the fuss is about
The policeman replies, ''We're looking for a serial rapist''
The guy says, ''Not me''
''On your way''
Five minutes later the guy turns up again at the roadblock, rolls down his window and says
''I've changed my mind, I'll do it.''

[bliss]

Michelle Jenneke: Australian hurdler, dancing sensation | Fourth-Place Medal - Yahoo! Sports

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

[bliss]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, Watching the front
door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the
door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the Vicar and the
Rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”
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Picture taking location is everything....