Jokes

[bliss]

I was staring at this beautiful teenage girl on the train home.

She said "What are you looking at?"

I said "6 to 8 years, depending on how hard you struggle."

[bliss]

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[letsboogie351]

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats.
The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"
The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall
15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks
in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist
who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get
the grin off her face."

[bliss]

Notice....

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that The climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'


( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

[bliss]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[bliss]

Best photo caption ever.....

[bliss]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[bliss]

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman

"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien

"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco." –David Letterman

"President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno

"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno

"Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets." –David Letterman

"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." –Jay Leno

"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno

[bliss]

My wife left a note on the fridge:
“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not quite sure what she was talking about.

[bliss]

The economy is so bad, rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.

The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, “What a coincidence! That’s just what we were going to ask you!”

The economy is so bad, I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

The economy is so bad, a picture is now only worth 200 words.

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!

It’s so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Top Ten Country & Western songs of all time.....

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

[bliss]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
_____

[bliss]

All my love.....

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)
_____

The argument....

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
_____

You know you have too much horsepower when:
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

[bliss]

Happy People Dancing on Planet Earth APOD: 2012 July 10 - Happy People Dancing on Planet Earth

[bliss]

A little boy and a little girl, both about
eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the
little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
'How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she ask.
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts.
Suddenly, there's a huge explosion,
the sides of the sandbox fly off,
all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20
feet, landing up against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs
back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the
ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he
lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

[Jim Werth]

Mother of All Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this…
Yep. I know you will

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[bliss]

Shampoo Warning!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

[dave from mesa]

SEX AT 70

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 70.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't have to cross the road!
Life is good!!!!