Jokes

[letsboogie351]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of
the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my
laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash
Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me
and throw me out of the house". Then disown me and never talk to me
again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my
share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."



A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.

He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes," he replied, "I am old enough that I don’t need a license."

"What, NO LICENSE?"

"Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket and said, 'You won’t need this anymore.'

So I thanked him and left."

[bliss]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says,
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the boys jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the 10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[bliss]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[dave from mesa]

Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick.


We apologize for the amputation.


Regards,
Dick Less, MD

[bliss]

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"
_____

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

[bliss]

I was best man once. At the reception, the groom told me that except for his grandmother, mother and 3 sisters, he had had every woman there. He was not amused when i told him between us, we had the room covered.
_____

Husband: There's something preying on my mind.
Wife: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation.

[bliss]

[bliss]

Not funny, just a reminder to pass safely...



Handgun debate

I have friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who believe easy access to hand guns is not good for this country and those who believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the other.

I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments.

Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns!


Unfortunately, I can't discuss it further right now. It's my turn to pick up the shells.

[bliss]

Who said the Scottish were tightwads???

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says.
“We'll buy a new one."

[bliss]

Abbott and Costello on unemployment

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

[bliss]

Eulogy


The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
_____

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

[bliss]

My wife said she is gonna leave me if i keep calling her fat. I said "what about our baby?" she asked "what baby?" I said "you mean you're not pregnant!"
_____

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
_____

A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
The Dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.."

[bliss]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
_____

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
_____

[bliss]

Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had
a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in
2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either
you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more -
whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a nice day.

************************************************** ****

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 7 years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you
can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I
pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed
$50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million,
I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica ,
but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you
won't get a dime from me. So take care


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister
Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

On the night of July 27th, 2012, a huge prank was pulled in New York City and this is the video of what took place. Brett Cohen came up with a crazy idea to fool thousands of pedestrians walking the streets of Times Square into thinking he was a huge celebrity, and it worked! ...

Fake Celebrity Pranks New York City - YouTube

[bliss]

New style downspout...

[bliss]

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

[bliss]

So, what do you think of this new exercise routine?

[CobraEd]