Jokes

[CobraEd]

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[bliss]

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That will be $5000."

The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."

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Flaunting your high school waist size....

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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.

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Just in case you missed it, here's some input as to warming up for a race...

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Zen....

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
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As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
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A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

[bliss]

Count every 'F' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...



HOW MANY?














WRONG, THERE ARE 6!
READ IT AGAIN !













Really, go back and try to find the six F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process 'OF'.

Incredible or what?
Go back and look again!
Anyone who counts all six 'F's' on the first go is a genius!
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

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Not funny......

[Aussie Mike]

Re the above post. I think it's great now that the suspension uprights are cabled to the car so that when they have these crashes the wheels don't fly off into the crowd. I was hit by a flying wheel as a spectator at a speedway meet back in the 80's. I was lucky as my friend saw it coming and shoved me out of the way and it just glanced of the side of my head. But before it had hit me though it had taken out a family sitting in front of us. I got a splitting head ache, they got taken away in an ambulance.

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I went to the doctor for a check -up.

He said, "The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise."

I said, "What's the next-best advice?"

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Cool engine....


1936 Fairbanks Morse Model 32D - YouTube!

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A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.

The driver said, "Officer, could you just give me a warning?"

So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.

[Jaydee]

Woman goes to the Doctor, he says,'you''ve got cancer' she says,
I like a second opinion. "yer, and your bloody ugly as well'
JD

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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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I'm stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
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Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.
The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
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I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.

Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.
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I got in touch with my inner self today....

That's the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
_____

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Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.

I was a lot thinner back then!

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Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.

"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"

"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...

You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?"

"Yes it did, but"

"You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?"

"And this too, came true, but..."

"And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn't you?"

"Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that's not what I meant!!!"

[bliss]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.