Jokes

[bliss]

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."


There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[bliss]

"The car won`t start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."



Old, but a classic....Trunk Monkey...

[bliss]

Latest Cardiovascular Exercise

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.

Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.




























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job

Have a glass of Wine

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

There is a new household cleaner being test marketed in the midwest called
"Bachelor." I thought it seemed like a strange name for a soap until I saw the
slogan being used. "It Works Fast, And Leaves No Ring!"
_____

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.

“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.

“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

[bliss]

....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. - Unknown Male Author

....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. - Unknown Female Author
_____

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare-naked down the streets of a little town in Minnesota.
The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole, what in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat playboy Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?" his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into da bedroom!'
So, vee all go into the bedroom, where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'
Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, yah, I guess I'm the first one here."
_____

[bliss]

Top 10 signs your Amish son is in trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

And the number one sign your Amish son is in trouble:

1. He's wearing his big black hat backward!

[bliss]

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."



.......and that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[bliss]

Jack is on his death bed and his wife walks in the room to comfort him.

She says she loves him and what a good run they had and wants to give him a last dying wish.Jack says" when I pass I want you to marry Dave".

His wife pauses for a moment and asks" don't you hate Dave"?

Jack replies.... "yes"
_____

What’s the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!
_____

[dave from mesa]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[bliss]

No punchline....

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

[CobraEd]

Originally Posted by bliss

No punchline....

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

It's sad really


.

[Jaydee]

Originally Posted by bliss

No punchline....

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Where's the unlike button.

[kevins2]

Originally Posted by Jaydee

Where's the unlike button.

I agree on that one, but let's give the guy a break. He posts jokes daily and his batting average is actually pretty good. Even my wife has liked some of them

[bliss]

I wonder if your wife will like this one....

Something for men to consider....

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure that I pass at least another 4,000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not!

[bliss]

I was in the shop today, and there was a little boy crying because he wanted some chocolate buttons.

"I haven't got enough money," his mother said to him.

"I've got some spare change on me, I'll buy them," I said to her.

"Are you sure about that?," she said.

"Of course," I replied, "I haven't had chocolate buttons in ages, so it'll be a nice treat for me."
_____

My boss called me into his office this morning and showed me a piece of paper.

He said, "Monday you turned up at 9:13am, Tuesday you turned up at 9:09am and Wednesday you rolled in at 9:20am, this is not acceptable."

"Sorry," I replied, "But at least I was in at 8:57am this morning."

"Phil, you start at 6."
_____

[bliss]

Yes, I've done this a lot lately...

[Jaydee]

My wife is tempermental, half temper and half mental.
My wife has away with money, she's got away with most of mine.
JD

[bliss]

To end your day with a big smile.
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that whathe was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! _____________________________
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
******************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
************************************************** *
_____