Jokes

[bliss]

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
_____

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
_____

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone estrogen. That's why after a six pack you can't drive.
_____

[bliss]

Wouldn't this be a little embarrassing?



Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture
taken. Not knowing much about photography,
they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When he goes under the black cloth,
one sister turns to the other and asks, "Vots he goink to do?"

Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"

The second cries," Bot of us !?!"
_____

"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
_____

I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me that I nearly fell in.

[letsboogie351]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.


"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two Arabs."

[letsboogie351]

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two
with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we
had six matching balls!


A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver at the BNP's new
"Sky Diving Academy". A spokesman said they had no idea why his snorkel
and flippers didn't open.

[bliss]

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

[bliss]

Don't honk at old people..............

[letsboogie351]

Prince Harry said to the Queen, "I say Nanny, I can't find my packet of
ginger-nut biscuits - have you seen them?"

The Queen said, "No dear, I'll ask your grandfather."

"Philip - have you seen Harry's ginger-nuts?"

Prince Philip replied, "Is there anyone who hasn't seen them by now?"

[Jaydee]

Originally Posted by bliss

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

Impressive, but I was waiting for the funny bit.

[bliss]

My therapist says that my social awkwardness is a result of me misinterpretation what people mean. But I think she just wants me.
_____

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, “You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark only has 16 Chapters."
_____

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
_____

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
_____

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect mini-car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pilot philosophy

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed and money.

The two most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 --- on the Richter scale.


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . . this is where the food is."


The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

[bliss]

Arguments on the web....



An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[bliss]

Ever Wonder Why Some Male Elk Have Such Long Antlers?

[bliss]

The Perks of Being Over 65.....

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

[bliss]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with the old rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs. Rancher: "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....".

DEA officer: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" ,pulls his badge out, "See this badge? This badge means I am can go anywhere I wish, at any time. No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear"?

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: "Your BADGE!, show him your BADGE!"
_____

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?
_____

Actual call center conversations.....

Samsung Electronic
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

[bliss]

Eye Candy Friday.....

[bliss]

something for the ladies...



Back on track....

Have you ever had this happen?

[bliss]

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections -- so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.

One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature."

The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."

The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.

After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature."

The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"
_____

Kid's today...

The teacher asks the kids in class:"What do you want to be when you grow up?...Johnny?

Johnny says:
"I Wanna be a billionaire, so I can go into the most expensive club, pick up the best b!tch,
give her a million bucks, a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet
to travel back and forth, plus an Infinite visa card, and then bang her like a screen door three
times a day".

Completely lost for words, the teacher decides to disregard him and turns to another child.

"And you, Maria?"

Without hesitation Maria says: "I want to be Johnny's b!tch."