Jokes

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Looking for a new lawn mower, etc?

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Out shopping with her husband, a wife spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says, "No chance love, they`re way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.
She turns to him and says, "I don`t think so mate. If you`re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren`t riding it. "
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Just is case....

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

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Southerner's.....

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We talk to
everybody!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"
and go your own way.

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't
from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless ya'll hearts and ya'll have a blessed day.

[letsboogie351]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"



"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"



"I ain't stickin my head in that hole! Pa yells back.

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."



So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

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Driving in Russia

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

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Could someone explain - what's going on here?

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He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said..."This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you; I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
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Note from HR......

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.

Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.
If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.

In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer

[letsboogie351]

The Hospital's Fault?


A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "the man was admitted to Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight" ...

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A young woman went to an evening class to improve her intimate capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"

"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your Bottom and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."

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SIGNS YOU ARE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING

* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy!

* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

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Senior Personal Ads...

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who just buried fourth husband and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"And," the lawyer continues, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely caught off guard, says, "Well, no. I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

The lawyer replies, "So then . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.. it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!