Jokes

[bliss]

So, who's for dinner?

[bliss]

Act like nothing happened...

[bliss]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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[letsboogie351]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was appointed, August 2010."

[dave from mesa]

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.........


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."





I replied........"I am taking a dump. What should I do?"

[bliss]

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
_____

[bliss]

How many rednecks does it take eat a possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

How do you know if a redneck is married? There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama? Nice tooth!

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

[bliss]

[IMG][/IMG]

[bliss]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
______

Some trivia.....

Hiding the Lockheed Plant during World War II - wow this is amazing!

[bliss]

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones

[bliss]

Professional makeup - before and after...

[bliss]

NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

[bliss]

[bliss]

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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[bliss]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘’Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’’ A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘’Aren’t you going to return the other dress?

You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘’Of course I do,dear.....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.’’
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I know how lawyers' friends are always trying to get free legal advice from them and they hate that, so I try not to do the same.

The other night I asked a lawyer friend of mine if I could ask him a couple of questions if I paid him $50.

He said, "Sure! What's the second question?"
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[bliss]

Interesting Human Body Facts

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
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"At One" with your motorcycle....

STUNTER 13 - 1st PLACE XDL INDY USA 2012 FINAL RUN
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A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, 
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read e-mails and/or posts with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Dominik]

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

No, the three times longer part ...

[bliss]

How it all started....



Hmmmmm....(ready to play)

[bliss]

Conditioning for future activities is very important....

[bliss]

An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

It doesn't matter - none of them actually exist.
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