Jokes

[dl95409]

This one cries out for a Caption Contest!
_____

[/quote]

"Corvettes......Just for looks"

[bliss]

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says....

WTF!
_____

Bigger is not always better....

[bliss]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense: 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
____

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut.

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

[bliss]

[bliss]

That Age Old Question

As I get a bit older and have a bit more time , I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some
deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question: Getting kicked in the nuts
is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind
my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

[bliss]

Snack, please.....

[bliss]

[bliss]

[letsboogie351]

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

[bliss]

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.

After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it

Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home.

That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"....

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...es_622180a.swf

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s--t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

[bliss]

[bliss]

Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[bliss]

[bliss]

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "do not eat if the seal is broken". so I opened it up and sure enough-----

At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth---I'd like to find out if all those girls were telling me the truth.

[bliss]

The Greatness of Socrates

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



( It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife. )
_____

Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home.

'I've been sleeping really well these past few weeks,' Ralph says.

'Why?' Patty asks. 'Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?'

'Yes,' Ralph says. 'Every night I'm given an glass of warm milk and Viagra.'

'Why are they giving you Viagra?' she asks.

'I don't know,' Ralph says.

Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.

'The warm milk helps him sleep,' the nurse says.

'But why the Viagra?' Patty asks.

'Oh,' the nurse says. 'That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.'

[bliss]

Thought for the day.....

I'll bet Billy Mays is up in heaven partying like it's $19.99!

[bliss]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

[bliss]

[bliss]

Mayan Calendar for December 2012...



Ever wondered why there is a "stairway to heaven" but a "highway to hell"?

Apparently there is more traffic to hell!
_____

There are two ways to look at December 21st:

[bliss]

A man walks into a crowded bar pointing a gun around.

"Which one of you bastards has been sleeping with my wife?" He shouts.

A voice from the back of the bar replies.

"I don't think you brought enough ammo."