Jokes

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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was a mark of tradition or religion. Now, the real truth is out. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the expectant husband scratches off her dot gently to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi fleet, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he remains in India to answer telephones at call centers and provide us with technical advice.
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The most popular gift for Fathers in China this Christmas is the iphone5.

It's nice that kids can give their Fathers something they made themselves.
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Two golfers are playing one Sunday afternoon when their way is blocked by a couple of women playing very slowly. One golfer says, "I'll run up ahead and ask them if we can play through." He goes towards the women and about a nine iron away, he turns and comes back. "I can't ask them to play through. One is my wife and the other is the woman I'm fooling around with." The other golfer says, "I'll go." He comes back from the same spot and says, "Small world, isn't it?"
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The size of your funeral depends mainly on the weather.
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Beauty is only a light switch away.
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Teasing the Dog

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[Ibr8k4vetts]

Kinda a joke....

Positive ground (they meant "earth") depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as smoke.

Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another.

When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: A gentleman does not motor about after dark.

Joseph Lucas - The Prince of Darkness

A few Lucas quips:

The Lucas motto: Get home before dark.

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Back in the '70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.

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Is this like saying STFU?

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Works for me....



Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

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From Twitter:

@FussySaffa
If a man says something and a woman isn't around to hear it, is he still wrong?



and a bonus:

@FussySaffa
I am excited! After the Christmas holidays, my hula hoop should fit me perfectly.

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Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

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For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from the north eastern part of the country & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

[Rick Parker]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for forty years."



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Not a joke, just something to start out the new year - happy new year to all.

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A New Year’s Blessing....

May your life be like a big roll of toilet paper, long and useful.
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Wife to Husband: "Did you ever see $10 crunched up?"

Husband: "No, I did not"

Wife pulls out a $10 bill and crunches it all up and continues: "Did you ever see $100 all crunched up?". The Husband replied: "no I have not". The wife pulls out a $100 bill and crunches it all up and asked: "Did you ever see $40,000 all crunched up?" The husband started to get interested, but still replied with a "No". Wife: "Look in the garage!"

[392cobra]

I heard Pepperidge Farms wanted Tony Romo to sponsor there new line of turnovers.

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25000 men surveyed were asked:

Why do you like BJ's?

1% liked the warmth.
2% liked the sensation.
3% liked the eroticism.
94% liked the peace and quiet.