Jokes

[bliss]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him,"How much is that vanity set?

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot Alone!

[tcrist]

Originally Posted by bliss

Not a joke, just something to start out the new year - happy new year to all.

Thank You, and Happy New Year to you too.

[bliss]

They play taller....

[RichardCSX6000]

Blonde is driving behind truck and notices he is losing part of his load. Truck stops at stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver rolls up window and drives off.
Truck stops at next stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver rolls up window and drives off.
Truck stops at next stop light, blonde gets out and walks up to the truck, knocks on drivers window. The driver rolls down his window and the blonde says, "excuse me sir but your losing part of your load" The driver of the truck says "its a salt truck lady"

[bliss]

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linquistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
_____

[bliss]

An older guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

He asked the trainer standing near by, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Feeling lost or lonely? Try this.....

Let me google that for you

[letsboogie351]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[bliss]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
_____

How many Freudian’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to turn the light bulb and one to hold the penis…I mean ladder. I meant to say ladder.
_____

A woman walks into a bar...

...and orders a double-entendre.

The bartender gives it to her, if you know what I mean.
_____

New Math...

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes. Billy has diabetes.
_____

[bliss]

Lawyers....
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!
_____

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

[bliss]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,

"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...I'll have to give it to
this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,

"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the man anxiously blurted out,

"Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[bliss]

A brief iterview with Bill Clinton

Reporter: "How's Hillary's head?"

Bill Clinton: "We'll, she's no Monica."
_____

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,"
the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

[letsboogie351]

A man walks into his crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling:

"Who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts;

"You don't have enough ammo, mate!

[bliss]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
_____

Strangely humorous and worth watching...

COMPLETE: Ben Shapiro CUTS Piers Morgan DOWN

[bliss]

[bliss]

A Cop pulls Bubba over for speeding and says--
"you're eyes look a little red, have you been drinking"?.
Bubba looks straight at the cop and says "You're
eyes look a little glazed--you been eatin' donuts??"
_____

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out
a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

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[bliss]