Jokes

[bliss]

Two Bubbas were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Bubba looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other Bubba leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks like he's friendly..."
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"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous
by letting the Government take care of him,
better take a closer look at the American Indian...." Henry Ford
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions
when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always
want to marry a virgin?"
To which she handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
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[bliss]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari?
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
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[bliss]

Difference: Liberal, Conservative, Redneck....

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

REDNECK ANSWER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading)....

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right, Dad. I saw it too ..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Can I have his boots?"

[bliss]

I hope the wiring on your Cobra looks a little better....

Sunita Williams of NASA provides a tour of the ISS orbital laboratory.

Not funny, but interesting. It's like being able to fly.

[letsboogie351]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"

[bliss]

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist...

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it...
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[bliss]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men, totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexuale masculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture", he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Jaydee]

Father, Mother and son went to the circus. Son asks dad.What is that long thing hanging from the elephant? That is the trunk, son. No dad, the long thing at the back? That's the tail, son. No no dad, the long thing between his legs? Son, that's the elephants penis. But dad, when I asked mum, she said it was nothing. Son, your mother has been spoiled.
JD

[bliss]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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[bliss]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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[bliss]

[bliss]

The State of Texas follows N.Y. releasing map of gun owners....



I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him “I wish I had your will power”!



I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “Sorry about the wait”.

I said "Don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually".



I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change”?

I said "Nope, you're still black".


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks "What is wrong"?
The boy says "Me Ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus" the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You're in that basket up there".

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f#*@ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
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Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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[letsboogie351]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[bliss]

Do you know why Married Women usually weigh more than Single Women?

Well, I do.

A single woman comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, and then goes to bed.

A married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed, then goes to the refrigerator.
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"Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women"

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women...

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.
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[bliss]

[bliss]

So, as the years go by does this ever happen to you when you look into a mirror....

[bliss]

the coolest guy at the boat ramp - now that's a boat!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, since
we will be in such a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, the
odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands
safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, have we already sent our tax return to the IRS with the $5000 payment due?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds. "Not yet."
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for
the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I haven't yet sent those either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"