Jokes

[CobraEd]

Very Good !!!!

Tickets For Sale



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[bliss]

Bus Stop Quiz,,,, yes an old one...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car,then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

[bliss]

McDonald's fires back...

Saying your kids are fat because of us..
is like saying it’s Hooters fault
your husband likes big t!ts..
_____

Q: If someone from the 1950's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?

A: I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers...

[bliss]

A little girl goes to the barber with her father.When it's his turn to get his hair cut she stands next to him while eating a snack cake. The barber looks at her and says You're going to get hair on your twinkie,to which she replies "Yup, and I'm going to get boobs too"
_____

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 47 -- One to change the bulb and a team of 46 lawyers to copyright iChange; the alternate light bulb protocol and then sue anyone else who changes a light bulb, ever.

[bliss]

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Huge Bear Surprises Samsung Crew on EcoBubble washing machine Photo Shoot in BC - YouTube

[bliss]

YIKES!

[bliss]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
_____

My dog - the paradox

[bliss]

Chicago Gun Control...



This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Dang--- this is a great country!

[bliss]

[bliss]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES:

English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Nice T!ts...Get in the Truck
_____

A man in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...

"I miss Chicago."

So, he broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps!"

[kevins2]

This isn't new, but if you haven't seen it, it is one of the better blooper compilations I've seen...

American Fishing Program bloopers:

American Fishing Program Bloobers - YouTube

[bliss]

Flying with the birds

[bliss]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[dave from mesa]

[bliss]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses.

How should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

Scroll Down
















He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses'.

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

[bliss]

Q: What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q: How are politicians like sperm?
A: One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

[bliss]

Redneck Towing..

[bliss]

Will Rogers......

Never squat with your spurs on!!!!!!


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER....

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.