Jokes

[bliss]

A mushroom walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms."

The mushroom says, "But I'm a 'fun guy.'"
_____

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwing'' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never did get back to order.
_____

Every "last nickle"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him
on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places
it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Video of fishing boats re-entering, over the bar, the mouth of the Grey River bar in Greymouth New Zealand.

Navigating the Grey River



Leroy and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Leroy says, "stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?

"She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Leroy and asks, "What now.

What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Leroy replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops his HUGE WILLIE.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to Leroy. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?

[bliss]

Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory in Israel....

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day, he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."

[bliss]

Looks like self-employment is my only option...

At a job interview long ago;

Hiring manager;
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

Me;
"Honesty."

Hiring manager;
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Me;
"I couldn't care less what you think."

[bliss]

Yesterday my daughter-in- law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[bliss]

Not good...(actually, not funny, either)