Jokes

[bliss]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.

Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

[bliss]

I was working in my yard when a car came crashing through my hedge and ended up on my front lawn. I rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car.

I said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't need a driver's license anymore."

She continued, "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors and cut up license and threw the pieces into the waste basket."

He said, "You won't need this anymore," so I thanked him and left!

[392cobra]

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.


"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Upcoming New Apple Products

1. The iSuck, a robotic web-enabled robotic vacuuum cleaner with the ability to accept verbal commands. This thing will make a Dyson look like 19th Century technology and within a year Apple will be the #1 supplier of vacuum cleaners to the world.

2. The iScream, a web-enabled, voice activated home ice cream maker. Tell Siri what flavor you want and it appears within 30 seconds giveing you the best ice cream ever made. Apple's advertising slogan will be "iScream, you scream, we all scream for iScream".

3. The iFlush - Web enabled, voice activated toilet and communication device. You can drop a deuce and be part of a web conference at the same time. Naturally, each iFlush will have its own iPeeaddress.

4. The iFetch - A robotic dog with all the advantages of a bio-dog and none of the disadvantages. iFetch will, at a verbal command or on its own, fetch the paper, fetch your slippers, play fetch, go absolutely bonkers with joy when you come home, lick you face (but not its balls), chase away Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. iFetch will not take a dump or a pee on the rug, shred your furniture or need a bath or grooming.

5. The iMaxiPad - The most versatile iPad of all. Not only is it a tablet computer, but it is also extremely absorbent and can be used in those situations requiring the utmost in absorbency.

[bliss]

Another Famous American converts to Islam...

It is becoming a very scary world out there.
Another Famous American converts to Islam...
It was announced today that Buckwheat Of Our Gang (1950s) fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat...
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
_____

You know you're a redneck when . . .

01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
05. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

[bliss]

After the Honeymoon

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

[bliss]

The price of love....

You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.

Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.

Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.
_____

I went out on a drunk last night and met this gorgeous gal.

We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.

When I woke up, I had the shock of my life.

She'd put on 60 pounds during the night.
_____

It's a commercial, but a great prank nonetheless:

Stress Test

[bliss]

Some cool photos....

[bliss]

A mushroom walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms."

The mushroom says, "But I'm a 'fun guy.'"
_____

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwing'' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never did get back to order.
_____

Every "last nickle"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him
on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places
it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Video of fishing boats re-entering, over the bar, the mouth of the Grey River bar in Greymouth New Zealand.

Navigating the Grey River



Leroy and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Leroy says, "stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?

"She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Leroy and asks, "What now.

What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Leroy replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops his HUGE WILLIE.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to Leroy. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?

[bliss]

Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory in Israel....

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day, he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."

[bliss]

Looks like self-employment is my only option...

At a job interview long ago;

Hiring manager;
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

Me;
"Honesty."

Hiring manager;
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Me;
"I couldn't care less what you think."

[bliss]

Yesterday my daughter-in- law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[bliss]

Not good...(actually, not funny, either)

[bliss]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket, if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
_____

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
_____

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"well, just what kind of ammo you got to trade?"
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Married sex is doggie style at my place. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My wife like to talk a lot during sex.. why just last week she called me from the hotel.

After 24 years of marriage we mostly had hallway sex. We would pass each other in the hallway and say #$%$".

My ex-wife always closed her eyes during sex - she couldn't stand to see me having a good time.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.

Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

[bliss]

Foot launched Aircraft

Recently, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Colorado he'd be called under-inventoried and needs further education since he needs at least that much stored in two separate "Remote mountain" locations plus that amount at home.

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And...
In Texas, he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy."
____

Advice for men...

If your wife asks you which of her friends you'd like to invite for a threesome, do not give two names.