Jokes

[bliss]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
_____

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
_____

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
____

Then my doctor told me not to lift anything over five pounds.

I asked him, "So; how am I supposed to pee?"
_____

He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came fromthe other eye.

The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"

Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

[bliss]

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom.

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me
_____

NEW MATH

Years of Math 1950 - 2010

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto
dinero ha hecho?

7. Teaching Math In 2013

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it’s redistributing the wealth!

[bliss]

Impossibilities in the world

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone else does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it.

[dave from mesa]

[bliss]

Does steroid abuse shorten a car's tailpipe?



So, here's a new product to give some thought to purchasing...

Baconlube- Bacon Flavored Massage Oil & Personal Lubricant

[bliss]

Thought for the day

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist.'

[bliss]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing
on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot
a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe
my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've
finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face
up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,
yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been
on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"



"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.
_____

While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”
_____

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
_____

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much