Jokes

[bliss]

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said:

"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

[bliss]

If Guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?
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A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh!t.
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Could somebody try this and report back?

Chinese traditional qi gong treatment for prostate problems

[bliss]

Today's exercise routine....

[bliss]

Paper?

Le papier ne sera jamais mort / Paper is not dead ! on Vimeo

Dyslexics Untie!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Dyslexic, an Agnostic, and an
Insomniac?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Subject: 163 yrs ago

Did you know what happened 163 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state . . . .
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive"

[KevinW]

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by KevinW

Can I do a topical joke about the conclave.... or is that off limits?

go for it!

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I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get drunk drinking "Responsibly."

And all the other alcoholic drink makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink Responsibly"

A bonus...

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "No! And go away!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

(Would she still jump?)

[KevinW]

Originally Posted by bliss

go for it!

thats a green light then.....

So:

When the new Pope was elected, apparently there's a new piece of music commissioned to mark the occasion:

Concerto for Organ in A Minor.

[bliss]

I bought all new double insulated, top of the line windows for my house last year.

Home Depot called me yesterday and said I owed them for the windows. I told them what my salesman told me "These windows will pay for themselves within a year".

Helloooooo it’s been over a year, they should be paid for. The guy was silent on the other end so after a few minutes I hung up. I bet they feel really stupid!
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

[bliss]

He was in ecstasy,with a smile on his face,As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....forwards then backwards.....back and forth..back and forth..In and out..in and out..Her heart was pounding faster,her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan.Then she let out one almighty scream!!!! "I can't park this fricken car! You do it!"

[bliss]

I have finally accepted the fact that I'm getting "old." Last weekend, while sitting on the porch, my wife, who had been engaged in some light domestic maintenance, came to me and said "Hey, hon, what I need is a really long screw." Without a second of hesitation I went out to the shed to get her one.

Old age. It sneaks up on you.
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Since I've heard that women always have one breast bigger than the other, I've realized I just have another reason to stare.
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My buddy accidentally slammed his finger in the door of his truck and now his 4-year-old grandson knows a NEW word.

And he's telling everybody.
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I love a good spoonerism joke.

My neighbor, Mr. Figpucker, hates them.
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Women don't design technology because men don't want to press "foreplay" for ten minutes before they can press "play."
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After finding out there has been horse meat in my beef, I'm worried what's in the mayonnaise.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.
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Yesterday I gave a call to my girl-friend and said:

-You know honey, I have to tell you bad news. My business has collapsed and now I’m totally broke.

As I got home in the evening I found out she was gone. Had walked out on me taking all her belongings with her.
I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself:

-To hell with her. Do I need a woman who’s got no sense of humor?
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Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows; it's never been done.
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Male Vs. Female

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[letsboogie351]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[bliss]

Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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So, this seems like a strange way to wash a car..

[bliss]

Want some company, like forever....

[bliss]

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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[bliss]

Where are my fries?



She can probably get her phone back tomorrow....

[bliss]

Not funny, just 20 and ready to go..

[bliss]

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280
days per year.

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too
liberal.

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.
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I wonder what owning a Cobra says about you?

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[bliss]