Jokes

[bliss]

HUSBAND: if i sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross your mind?

WIFE: That you are a HOMOSEXUAL.
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Marriage is a three ring circus, an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.
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A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
_____

[bliss]

Little Johnny and his family were having a Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down.
_____

[bliss]

HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION

HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after."

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnson's showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Pt 2

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $20,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 20 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 20 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."

Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

[bliss]

Yikes!

[bliss]

[bliss]

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "that’s not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.

Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

[bliss]

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc,
I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex
drive is all in your head?"

"You're darn right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I
want it lowered!"
_____

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you tell me your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered...

"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

[bliss]

The problem with women - you can only pick two....



The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."

[bliss]

[bliss]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a well-dressed young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said: "Beats the hell out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

[bliss]

Three men are killed in an accident, and all arrive simultaneously at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter lines them up, and asks the first bloke; “Religion?”

The first bloke replies: “Methodist.”

St. Peter looks down his list, and says; “Go to Room 24 - but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

St. Peter says to the second bloke; “Religion?”

The second bloke says: “Baptist.”

St. Peter: “OK - go to Room 18 - but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

St. Peter says to the third bloke; “Religion?”

The third bloke says: “Jewish.”

St. Peter says: “Go to Room 11 - but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The third bloke says; “I can understand there being different rooms, for different religions - but why must we all be very quiet, as we pass Room 8?”

St. Peter says: “Well, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in Room 8 - and they think they're the only ones here.”



A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she says: "I love you."

He asks: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies: "It's me ............... talking to the wine !!"

[bliss]

Three men are killed in an accident, and all arrive simultaneously at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter lines them up, and asks the first bloke; “Religion?”

The first bloke replies: “Methodist.”

St. Peter looks down his list, and says; “Go to Room 24 - but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

St. Peter says to the second bloke; “Religion?”

The second bloke says: “Baptist.”

St. Peter: “OK - go to Room 18 - but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

St. Peter says to the third bloke; “Religion?”

The third bloke says: “Jewish.”

St. Peter says: “Go to Room 11 - but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The third bloke says; “I can understand there being different rooms, for different religions - but why must we all be very quiet, as we pass Room 8?”

St. Peter says: “Well, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in Room 8 - and they think they're the only ones here.”



A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she says: "I love you."

He asks: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies: "It's me ............... talking to the wine !!"

[bliss]

Lesson for today, how to.....




Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)


A good laugh for people in the over 70 group!!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship...


When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

......Not me I figured your sense of humor could handle it....




We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[bliss]

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
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Pisa Schitt was a very famous Italian car designer and designed most Fiat cars.

Thus, when you hear a Fiat owner describing his car as that "Pisa Schitt, Fiat"... you'll know immediately, he's referring fondly to the designer.

[bliss]

The only group of people one can make fun of...

[bliss]

A friend of mine was telling me....

"I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife!"
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Minnesota Humor...

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an Iowan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian 'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

BAR RIDDLE

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota . While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner ... 'Look,' he said, 'let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?' 'Ya, dat sounds purty good,' said the Swede. The Indian said, 'My father and my mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?' The Swede scratched his head and finally said, 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It was ME,' chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, 'Sven,' he said, 'I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?' 'Fair enough,' said Sven. Okay....my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't m y brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?' 'Search me, ' said Sven. 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda.'

MUSIC SOLUTION

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vit a clarinet, she can't sing.

HONEYMOON TRIP

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.

[FWB]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[bliss]

A little boy was born and he was only a head. So his mom would set him on the window sill so he could look out and see the other boys playing baseball.

"I sure wish I had a body, so I could go down and play baseball." thought the little boy. And POOF! He had a body! So his mother carried him downstairs and he started to play with his new friends.

"I sure wish I had arms, so I could play third base instead of being third base." And POOF! He had arms! So the little boy started catching balls, but they would often be out of reach.

"I sure wish I had legs, so I could run after the balls." And POOF! He had legs!

Just then, a fly ball came his way and the little boy joyously ran after it, ran into the street, and got hit by a car.

What's the moral of the story?















Quit while you're a head.

[bliss]

My grandma.....

"I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

Thinking I was about to be rich I said, "Oh my Granny, you are SO generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, my grandmother whispered, "Facebook."
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my johnson.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and makes her ass sore.
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[bliss]

A man goes to see the Rabbi....

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
_____

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"