Jokes

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on hot rod parts instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a Hot Rod in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and Hot Rodding."

[bliss]

So I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

She hates being interrupted.
_____



I started a new Band....

.....called The Duvets...we're a cover band.
_____

[letsboogie351]

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[bliss]

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
_____

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that cart over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".
_____

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby."Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says,"I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that.”
_____

[bliss]

Be careful out there.....

[bliss]

A wife gets home after her annual physical exam and was passing her husband, who was watching baseball in his recliner. Without looking up he asks, “How’d your exam go?”

She stops and says, “Just fine. The doctor said I’m in great shape for my age. In fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old.”

The husband smirks and replies, “What did the doctor say about your 40 year old ass?”

She thinks for a moment and says, “Uh, your name never came up.”
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Sad Cat Diary

[bliss]

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.

Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
_____

I was installing a light in the Attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the poop out of my girlfriend.


I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
_____

Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people.

[letsboogie351]

A West AustralianTourist visiting **New Zealand** for the first time hired a
car to travel to both ****North & South** ** Islands****.
On his way to the south Island he observed a bloke in a paddock having sex
with a sheep.
The tourist was horrified to think this unacceptable behaviour could occur
in this educated country.
He was so disgusted he stopped at the nearby pub to sooth his nerves.
Whilst at the bar he noticed a chap with one leg at the end of the bar
discreetly wanking himself.
The tourist was disgusted & said to the barmaid, "What the hell is going on
over here, I've only been here for a couple hours & I've seen a bloke
screwing a sheep in the paddock & now this one legged bloke at the end of
the bar wanking himself off".
The barmaid replied, "Fair go mate, be reasonable - you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep".

[bliss]

video covering the 50's - cars/music

My wife´s suspicious mind is really beginning to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.
_____

[bliss]

Back in the day....

How many Club Cobra Forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

[tcrist]

3 or 4 to ask what your intentions are, how origional do you want it and what your budget is like so we can narrow down what "WE" think you actually need.

Even though the only question is how to "CHANGE" the formentioned light bulb/lamp.

[letsboogie351]

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."


A man goes to the market to buy a rooster, a hen and a drake
He leaves the market carrying thr rooster under his left arm, the drake under his right arm and the hen in both hands in front of him. He slips and falls and the animals escape. He calls to a woman across the street "quick, grab my cock pullet and duck".

[dave from mesa]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[bliss]

Incoming...

[bliss]

Let's say you're walking home one night thinking about those silly Batman movies...

[FWB]

Originally Posted by bliss

Back in the day....

How many Club Cobra Forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

let me guess....Patrick started the light bulb thread......